my scars are Yours today

2008-11-06T19:48:00.000-06:00

Hello friends.

My blog is moving...

http://letoldviceselapse.blogspot.com/

Drumroll, please...

2008-08-24T23:14:00.002-06:00

And the award for the most neglected blog goes to...(insert drumroll here)

MINE!

Hmm...that wasn't really surprising now, was it?

But have no fear! I am back (and hopefully to stay)!

...

Summer is almost over...and I must say, it wasn't really what I expected it to be, but it was really good, and I learned a lot.

So here's the thought for tonight:

I was thinking about what it says in Matthew 5 about being "salt and light". Light is something I think we all can envision quite easily: it is visible, it shines, it can not be extinguished by the darkness. But salt? I had never thought about it before, but I realized that I have no idea how it would look for me to be salt in the world.

I've found two interpretations on it:
1) Salt was used in ancient medicine as a tactic to heal wounds faster. So therefore, as a Christian, to be salt means that I am meant to rub myself deep into the wounds of humanity, as an aid to help heal the world's scars.
2) Salt was used as a preservative, so as Christians we are to preserve what is pure and right in the world.

What do you think?

Lover

2008-05-26T22:52:00.004-06:00

Check out these lyrics from Nevertheless!

I am a lover.
I am a shame.
I am appalled by the things that I fame.

I am a lover,
but I've had my share of flirting with the darkest affairs.

And you can find me here,
with my head against the wall,
lost in my regrets
and every time I fall you catch me in your hands.

You circle me like a wedding band.

I have a lover,
faithful and true.
He cares for me in all that I do.

I have a lover,
my song He has sung with love on His lips and
grace on His tongue.

And you can find me here
with my head against the wall,
lost in my regrets
and every time I fall you catch me in your hands.

You circle me like a wedding band.

A promise from Heaven,
a promise from You,
a promise to love,
I will hold on to.

God of new beginnings,
to You I cry,
Teach me how to love;
teach me how to die.

In death there's forgiveness,
and forgiveness calls on new life.
So You can find me here with my head against the wall,
lost in my regrets
and every time I fall you catch me in your hands.
You circle me like a wedding band.
A promise from Heaven, a promise from You...

(Write love on your arm...)

Painting

2008-05-05T22:17:00.003-06:00

This is a poem my friend wrote for English class...I think it is so lovely, so I decided to share it with you. I wish you could hear it read outloud, it's so much more effective, but for now, take some time and soak up the truth of the words.

Painting
I’m drowning in red.
Can no one see I’m coughing? I’m choking.
I barely breathe.

And then I draw,
I’m moved.
Slowly, cautiously at first.
Allowing the tomato coloured paste to ooze from me.
It feels good, it feels familiar
And I begin to rest in this motion,
In this colour.

Suddenly it begins again,
That violent shake I’m sure I’ve felt before.
I’m dabbed, my body is throbbed again.
I’m losing too much red.
I was fond of this color!
I liked it as it sat here on me,
I got used to the smooth flow of its texture across my limbs.

Swiftly I’m moved off the page.
I feel like I’m free falling,
And for a moment I forget my newfound self pity.
I’m plunged into water so cold that my lungs feel as though they might implode.
It hurts again.
For goodness sake,
What could this torment possibly be good for?
I catch myself asking that question over,
And over,
And over.

The water rushes through me, past me,
I’m sloshed, swished, slammed up against glass walls.
The comfortable crimson is being stripped from every gape in my body.
Every trace of that former rouge is firmly rinsed
As I pray for oxygen.

I feel the beat of my motion,
And in a fleeting moment I question the origin of this madness.
There must be a purpose.
Who is holding me firmly with my head under water like this?

Finally, I’m up out of that prison.
Rid of that uncomfortable place,
But I know this isn’t over.
I’m dipped slowly into green and brought to the page,
Again I give of this color I wear.
I add to the vague memory of my prior colour,
My former struggle with that crimson shade.
With hesitation I allow the emerald to seep deep into the page
And off of my body.

I begin to feel something beautiful.
It grips me by the throat and sings to my blood shot eyes.

This must be beauty
This must be grace
This must be forgiveness
This must be meaning and purpose.
I can hardly breathe as the artist lets me glimpse
At the life he has been creating.

It is only for a moment and the image is gone.
The illustration slowly fades from my memory..
…I don’t mind.
I am captivated by the thoughts of the Beholder,
The One creating raw life and loveliness.
This must be peace.

An astounding relief washes warm over me,
I am learning not to fear.
I will encounter cold water again and again,
And the colours still awaiting application.
I remain in anticipation of the unknown.
For now I must simply trust in my position as the tool…
and not as the Beholder.

Choosing Gentleness

2008-04-28T22:33:00.003-06:00

"Choose gentleness...Nothing is won by force. I choose to be gentle. If I raise my voice, may it be only in praise. If I clench my fist, may it be only in prayer. If I make a demand, may it be only of myself."
-Max Lucado

Soap Operas and Sewing Machines

2008-03-31T21:25:00.002-06:00

I feel as if I am living in a soap opera. Seriously. My friends are all either falling in love or going crazy. It's ridiculous. Actually. I guess all I can do for now is cling to the fact that God is always faithful, no matter how many things in my world begin to change.

"Faithful"--Amanda Falk
Here we are again Lord
We've had this conversation a dozen times before
And it always comes back 'round
to the things I am always looking for: to be assured
When I can't be sure

But God, you are faithful
When my faith is gone
When I am so fragile
I know I'm not alone

Can't try to understand it
Wrap my mind around the wonder of it all
When everything is crumbling
Tumbling in my world, I start to fall
And you are near me
It's not so clear but

God, you are faithful
When my faith is gone
When I am so fragile
I know I'm not alone

God, you are faithful
When my faith is gone
When I am so fragile
I know I'm not alone

And we run to you
There's nowhere else to go
The one thing that I know

And we'll come to you
when there's nowhere else to turn
The one thing that I've learned

Oh, God, you are faithful
When my faith is gone
When I am so fragile
I know I'm not alone

God, you are faithful
When my faith is gone
When I am so fragile
I know I'm not alone

Amen.

Be my Everything

2008-03-30T20:45:00.002-06:00

I was thinking about what Rod Alm said today in church..."God wants to fill you even more than you want to be filled. Simply surrender to him". God, fill me with your spirit.

God in my living
There in my breathing
God in my waking
God in my sleeping

God in my resting
There in my working
God in my thinking
God in my speaking

Be my everything
Be my everything
Be my everything
Be my everything

God in my hoping
There in my dreaming
God in my wathcing
God in my waiting

God in my laughing
There in my weeping
God in my hurting
God in my healing

Christ in me
Christ in me
Christ in me the hope of glory
You are everything

Christ in me
Christ in me
Christ in me the hope of glory
Be my everything

You are everything
Jesus, Everything

I'm Procrastinating

2008-03-09T23:13:00.006-06:00

Have you ever had that when you don't want to stay awake, but you don't want to go to bed? I'm experiencing that right now. I don't feel very well, and I'm tired, but I don't really want to sleep. So I thought I would post some random pictures from Vancouver on here.

Tasha and I with the giant bear in the Calgary airport.

Walking by the ocean in Victoria.

Erika B (Elika), Erika (me), and Brittany

Clayton, Tasha, Erika, and Ryan

Reflections

2008-03-01T23:04:00.004-06:00

Okay. Ever since I got back from Vancouver, life has been busy. My basketball team was in conference playoffs today, and we placed 2nd so we advance to regionals! This means I will have basketball every day next week...which is okay, because I love it.

Vancouver was amazing, but I can't help but feel a little disappointed. I saw change in some people, but I saw such doubt in others. It's very discouraging to me, because I'm trying my best to pour my heart into these people and there is no response to God, guidance, or wisdom. How can you go away on a mission's trip and say you didn't see God anywhere? This was a clear sign of people not close to God and not used to hearing the Holy Spirit.

The trip was a struggle for me, but not in the same sense as it was for others. Most students went in nervous to talk/deal with people on the streets...I normally don't have a problem stepping out of my comfort zone. It was hard because I went being "on" the mission's team, but not really a "part" of it. This trip was not for me: it was for me to benefit others, in my class and on the street and for the glory of God.

It was a very different than Mexico. In Mexico, we all had that desire for spiritual fellowship...we still do now that we're back at home...but in Vancouver, it seems like there aren't many that are on fire for God...there are some that don't even care. I desire spiritual connection with the people in my class; I want them to go deeper with God; I want them to understand what it's like to truly be part of Christ's body. I suppose for now it will just take a little more time, a little more prayer, and a lot more faith.

Although there is all this discouragement surrounding the trip, I have been given a lot of hope through my trip to Mexico. Experiencing the spiritual connection that we Mexico girls share gets me excited to take other people there. It reminds me that God always has bigger plans, so I don't need to worry. I just need to listen.

Vancouver: Day 1

2008-02-11T00:31:00.000-06:00

Hey guys!

1. I miss you.
2. This place is awesome.
3. The weather is definitely nicer here.
4. God is AWESOME! (Bump this to the top of the list!)

I just wanted to say a quick hi to everyone...hopefully you are checking this even though I'm gone. I plan to update at least a couple times during the week.

I don't have a lot of time to write tonight, but I just wanted to share with you something a good friend of my said to me before I left.

"God, keep them safe, but don't allow them to be safe."

I'm praying this for my entire team, and for everyone at home, too. This trip is all about stretching and stepping outside of our comfort zones. Being safe, but not being safe with ourselves, letting ourselves take chances and risks that we might not have thought possible.

Today we went to East Hastings Street. I don't know how much you guys know about it, but it is basically a street where the homeless live. Lots of drugs, prostitutes, and depravity. We had the opportunity to hand out clothing and socks to some people, and to talk to them. It was really great, and reminded me a lot of being in Mexico and the times I shared with you guys there.

Peace in Christ.

Love

2008-02-03T15:22:00.000-06:00

I'm not sure if anyone from my class reads this anymore, but if you are, aren't you excited for our mission's trip??? I can't believe we're leaving in less than a week!

To fill the rest of you in, the theme verse we have picked is found in Matthew 17:20...

"I tell you the truth: if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain 'Move from here to there' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you".

To that I just wanted to add something I came across as I was reading this week in 1 Corinthians 13. Interesting, because it's a very commonly read chapter of the Bible, but I came across a few verses at the beginning of the chapter that everybody always seems to skim over.

"If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing".

This was a good reminder that we need to come together as a team in love, because despite any amount of faith or anything else we may possess, we will have absolutely nothing if we do not have love toward each other and toward others.

Silence

2008-01-19T23:25:00.000-06:00

Hello friends; it's been a while. I want to share something from my favourite poet in the world (Bradley Hathaway!) with you:

Silence

What’s happening here?
I was once so alive and now I’m so full of dread and almost dead
Show me your wounded head that has lead to communion with the father
But where did he go?
His presence seems farther and farther away each day but I’m trying so hard to steer his way
Yet still lonely and confused on this cold, hard ground I lay

Speak to me wise mouth and say:
“it’s all good kid, it’s nothing that you did, and though it feels like I’m not here with you right now just be still and silent and listen for that sound..
Shhh..
Did you hear it?
Listen again.
Did you hear it?
That silent voice that just spoke nothing, that is me, I’m listening to your plea with open ears Counting all your tears flowing from your irritated eyes
Searching the skies looking for that hope that beyond there lies.

Oh you young worrisome sparrow, find rest
Lay your battered head upon my omnipresent breast and make it your nest
No strong cold wind could ever blow and carry you from this your home
Look around, see the life shooting up from the ground
Spring colors springing fourth and celebration of your trusting

It’s a constant process this is
Growing you into the person you are to become
But when you sense the setting of the sun know it is only rising and has just begun
Now go forth, sing songs of faith, and lift up others in the midst of this race
And if you can’t keep the pace or lose sight of my face
Know that I’m always near so you need not fear
But don’t worry about all that right now
Just sit here and enjoy the peace I offer in my silence
When I am silent I am listening, and not abandoning.

That is a beautiful vision.

Hey, Sweat Towels!

2007-11-15T20:12:00.000-06:00

Here is an ode to all those random moments in life that actually remind us of some pretty important things. Yesterday at basketball practice, my coach brings out these fuzzy towels and everybody was kind of like, "Okaaaay...what's going on?" One girl was like, "Hey, that's nice, he brought us sweat towels!" Yeah right. That made me laugh.

Turns out we had to squat on the ground with our hands on the towels, butts in the air and "run" (as well as you can in that position) a couple sets of lines.

Just a reminder that things aren't always the way they seem...so beware the warm fuzzy towel!

Miles Apart

2007-11-12T16:45:00.000-06:00

I'm not quite sure how or why it happens, but people grow apart. Friends move on or away or change, circumstances change, I change. We grow up.

It's a slow kind of falling out...so gradual that you don't even truly realize it is happening until suddenly you are miles apart and can't find a way to make up the distance.

I don't know why it was, but this weekend all it took was one statement from someone else for me to realize that I am a completely different person, and that they are not the person that I used to know and love as my sister. We are complete strangers who hold no bonds, no ties, no friendships.

But it's okay...as life has been altered once, still it can change again. I have faith in that, and I praise God that he always stays the same.

"Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows". James 1:17

Hello, Bee!

2007-10-30T19:19:00.000-06:00

Today was Tickle Trunk Day at school...basically it's a free for all where you can dress up as anything. I was a bee! All day people were telling me to "buzz off" or not to "bee late" or that I looked "bee-autiful". Why are my friends so witty?

Anyway, so this newspaper photographer guy came and was like "hey, I'm doing a story on Tickle Trunk Day". So I got my picture taken for the newspaper. How random is that? All I can say is talk about a slow news day.

P.S. Anybody want to see Bee Movie with me???

A Good Day

2007-10-24T19:22:00.000-06:00

Today was a good day. Seriously. I wore a dress and my sparkly high heels simply because I was filled with the joy of God. As a little clarification from the last post, it's not like I haven't been spending the time I need to with God, it's just that I'm learning to hear his voice in a new way, in the midst of all this confusion. It's like learning to focus on one thing so you can see straight when you're spinning around really fast. But I still am very curious to hear what you have to say, Erin. Please tell me soon!

And I did my next thing! Last weekend. It was awesome, without going into any detail. God is very good. God is faithful. I would give him 50 points, but no amount of points could ever express the praise he deserves. I love him.

Insanities...

2007-10-16T21:33:00.000-06:00

I can not even believe how busy I am. I am so upset by it right now. Not because of the stress it's putting on me in some areas or because of the times I can't come to youth or hang out with people I haven't seen in ages...but because it is stopping the next thing.

How can I ever do what God wants me to do when I am being constantly bombarded with all this other stuff? I am glad and blessed to be given all these responsibilities, but right now I'm not quite sure how to handle them as I move forward in my faith, as God asks me to do the next thing for Him. Please, God, show me how to do the next thing.

East to West

2007-09-22T19:16:00.000-06:00

So today I went to Parables and bought 4 cds. It was really fun, and I didn't totally blow all my cash because I had a certificate. But anyway, I bought Casting Crown's "The Altar and the Door" and it's really good. Check out these lyrics to one of their new songs, it pretty much applies to me right now.

East to West

Here I am, Lord, and I'm drowning in your sea of forgetfulness
The chains of yesterday surround me
I yearn for peace and rest
I don't want to end up where You found me
And it echoes in my mind, keeps me awake tonight
I know You've cast my sin as far as the east is from the west
And I stand before You now as though I've never sinned
But today I feel like I'm just one mistake away from You leaving me this way
Jesus, can You show me just how far the east is from the west
'Cause I can't bear to see the man I've been come rising up in me again
In the arms of Your mercy I find rest
'Cause You know just how far the east is from the west
From one scarred hand to the other
I star t the day, the war begins, endless reminding of my sin
Time and time again Your truth is drowned out by the storm I'm in
Today I feel like I'm just one mistake away from You leaving me this way
I know You've washed me white, turned my darkness into light
I need Your peace to get me through, to get me through this night
I can't live by what I feel, but by the truth Your word revelas
I'm not holding on to You, but You're holding on to me
You're holding on to me.
Jesus, You know just how far the east is from the west
I don't have to see the man I've been come rising up in me again
In the arms of Your mercy I find rest
'Cause You know just how far the east is from the west
From one scarred hand to the other
One scarred hand to the other
From one scarred hand to the other.

Where am I these Days?

2007-09-16T22:24:00.000-06:00

My head is majorly up in the clouds at the moment. Not good...seeing as I have about a million responsibilities at the moment. And I am excited for all of them...but a little overwhelmed with everything else that's going on. So I'll just sit here, daydream until I'm inspired to do something, then stop procrastinating. Hey, at least I'm doing something....kind of.

Over my Head

2007-09-12T21:45:00.000-06:00

This post is for anyone who thinks their blog is neglected. I'm pretty sure this one would receive the title of "Most Neglected Blog" if there was such a thing. Seriously. But I have reason--my life actually is pretty interesting right now.

So here I am, a follower of Christ trying to do my best to live for him in the midst of all this craziness. There's been this wave of sort of shock and panic that seems to have hit everyone in my class...oh yeah, we're taking Grade 12 classes right now and we should probably try to pass! Hahaha. Stress levels are definitely high, but at least it's keeping things interesting. I'm realizing that some people are really funny when they're stressed out. I mean really, really funny. Anyway, I'm pretty much running "Free Tutoring with Erika in the Grade 11 Room at lunch". It's a good time.

But I have to admit, I caught myself thinking, "Wouldn't it be kind of nice to be on the other end of this crazy tidal wave?" I mean, to be part of the confused, dissaranged madness rather than having to watch it coming in closer, and closer, still closer...

But I know I am blessed to be getting school at this point in the midst of all this confusion, and I don't mind helping out.

School soccer started; our first tourney was last weekend, the Sr. Girls ended up 2nd; the Sr. Boys got 1st.

School worship band started. I love it.

S.R.C. is going full speed ahead. Pancake breakfast next Wednesday, Beautiful Unique Girls Party tomorrow, and the list goes on!

Life is busy, slightly overwhelming, but overall a lot of fun, because you always have those people in your life that you can't help but smile at. Example: the guy who asks if it's stirfry. I don't know if anyone who is reading this blog will get that, but that's okay: it's making me smile right now.

Beautiful, Unique Girl MEGA PARTY!

2007-08-28T20:10:00.000-06:00

On Thursday, September 13th, we are having a Beautiful Unique Girl MEGA PARTY at my school! It is a 100% Girls Event, complete with games, dinner and snacks, and equipping sessions featuring three different speakers (Christal Earle, Heather Wiebe, and Miss New Jersey, Vanessa Barker). The cost is $35 per person, and each girl attending will receive a BU Girls Gift Basket! Amanda Falk will be there putting on a live concert. I want all of you guys to come! If you need any more details, you can talk to me...I will be putting up posters at church and talking to Mike so he should have some info on it soon!

A Real Man

2007-08-16T13:44:00.000-06:00

Twin brothers of Joshua Harris (author of "I Kissed Dating Goodbye") have a cool website up, http://therebelution.com. It's a movement of teens tired of low expectations, based on 1 Timothy 4:12. One of their main stands is on modesty, and there are some interesting stats and pieces of information on their blog. Check it out if you have the time. The Rebelution is also about smashing the distorted expectations and stereotypes of men and women in our society, which I have posted below. Enjoy!

A real man . . .

…understands and lives according to the basic purposes for which he was created: to worship, honor, and serve God. (Romans 12:1-2)

…values and carefully handles the scriptures. (2 Timothy 2:15)

…doesn’t pride himself on being knowledgeable in the sinful ways of the world. (1 John 2:15-16, James 4:4, Philippians 4:8)

…isn’t embarrassed to worship God and pray in a group setting. (Mark 8:38)

…is wise, yet humble. (Proverbs 2:1-10, 1 Peter 5:5, Romans 12:16)

…takes leadership in a self-sacrificing way. (Ephesians 5:25-28)

…is kind because, “What is desirable in man is his kindness” (Proverbs 19:22)

…doesn’t try to prove himself but is simply confident as he walks in the fear of the Lord. (Proverbs 14:26-27)

…doesn’t put others down with his actions, attitude, words, or his strength. But on the contrary, he affirms and builds others up (Proverbs 15:4, Ephesians 4:29)

…treats his sisters and mother with as much respect as he would treat a prospective wife. (Matthew 25:21)

…not only respects but appreciates a young lady’s purity and innocence. In our culture innocence isn’t retained by accident. (2 Corinthians 11:2-3)

…values his purity as much as he values a young lady’s purity. He is not ashamed to live and act differently from the world in order to guard himself. (1 Thessalonians 4:1-8, Ecclesiastes 7:26)

…can look a girl straight in the eye without communicating any impurity. (Proverbs 20:11)

…isn’t ashamed to identify himself with his family (Ephesians 6:2-3)

…is a gentleman. He is polite and shows women honor in everyday things such as opening doors, etc. (1 Peter 3:7)

…has no desire to be gross in order to impress other men. He doesn’t burp, swear, or tell disgusting stories. (Proverbs 13:5, Ephesians 5:4)

…shows by his actions that he loves children. (Matthew 19:13-14)

…is pleasant and expresses joy rather than feeling that it’s masculine to be sullen. (Proverbs 21:29, 1 Thessalonians 5:16)

…doesn’t blame others for his own problems but embraces responsibility. (Proverbs 12:27)

…can accept correction (Proverbs 12:1, Proverbs 29:1)

…is mature in his emotions and his expressions of them. He can deal with the trials of life logically, with wisdom, not on a basis of emotional instability. (Proverbs 14:29, Proverbs 17:27, Proverbs 12:18)

…understands the value of work and is financially responsible. (Colossians 3:23-24, 2 Thessalonians 3:10-12, Luke 16:10-11)

…expresses himself with intelligent words rather than using “street talk”. (Proverbs 17:20, Titus 2:6-8, 1 Peter 4:11, Ephesians 4:29)

A Real Woman

2007-08-16T13:40:00.000-06:00

A real woman . . .

…is glad she’s a woman and rejoices in her femininity, expressing it through her attitude, appearance and bearing. (1 Timothy 2:9-10)

…does not compete for equality with men or chafe at God’s design for male and female, but delights in and understands the importance of her calling to complement man’s role. (1 Timothy 2:11-12, Ephesians 5:22-24)

…values the cultivation of her mind and diligently seeks after wisdom and knowledge. (Proverbs 22:17-21, 2:2-6)

…realizes her imperative need to allow the Holy Spirit to control her emotions and expressions of them. (James 1:19-20)

…does not wallow in self-pity or make a habit of voicing complaints, but radiates cheerfulness and joy. (Proverbs 15:15, Proverbs 17:22)

…appreciates her father’s protection, and respects and submits to his authority. In so doing, she is preparing herself to exercise the Biblical role in her relationship with a possible future husband. (Ephesians 5:33-6:3, 1 Peter 3:1-2)

…is trustworthy and gains the respect of those around her. (Proverbs 31:11)

…restrains herself from listening to, or participating in gossip, but instead speaks with wisdom and discretion. (Proverbs 11:12-13, 22, 20:19, 3:11)

…encourages and builds up those around her instead of criticizing and tearing them down. (1 Thessalonians 5:11, Ephesians 4:29)

…does not have a nagging, contentious or manipulative manner in which she deals with others. (Judges 16:16, Proverbs 21:9, 19, 26:21)

…is not boisterous or loud in her speech or actions but is characterized by a gentle and quiet spirit. (Proverbs 9:13, 1 Peter 3:4)

…portrays chastity, modesty and reverence in her manner, and wears the ornament of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is her true beauty. (1 Peter 3:3-4, Titus 2:4-5)

…is not offended by respect shown her through gentlemanly courtesies (opening doors, etc.) but cultivates the differences between the sexes that make her worthy of this deference. (1 Peter 3:7, Mark 10:6)

…seeks to make God her number one desire and the Lover of her soul, knowing that only He can fully satisfy. (Psalm 73:25, Psalm 63:1)

…uses her years of singleness to seek and serve God without distraction, and is content to leave the details of her future to Him. (Psalm 73:25, Philippians 4:11)

…does not relate to members of the opposite sex in a flirtatious or forward manner, but instead saves all her passion for her future husband. (Thessalonians 4:3-8, Proverbs 6:25, 1 Corinthians 7:1)

…holds her virginity before marriage sacred and will not compromise it for anything. (This one goes for guys too) (1 Timothy 5:22)

Do You Feel?

2007-07-17T15:46:00.000-06:00

I'm so excited! First of all, I have a city playoff game today against Eastside...I'm looking forward to that, and it should be a good game! Second, I'm leaving for Dallas Valley right after the game! And of course, because today is the 17th...Do You Feel by the Rocket Summer is finally in stores! Hopefully I can convince my mom to take me to pick it up before we leave for Dallas Valley! I will miss you all while I'm gone...but hopefully I'll have the chance to update while I'm in Regina next week! Peace.

Get a Move On

2007-07-16T23:00:00.000-06:00

Summer is terrible for blogging. I feel awful for the people who read my blog; they must think I've disappeared off the face of the earth! But honestly enough, in a way, I have: tomorrow is officially the third day I will have been home during the summer! And it's not even a complete day, because I think I'm leaving for Dallas Valley in the evening. But all in all, the summer has been enjoyable...and full of surprises.

All of July I have been struggling with feeling like everything is dull...like I'm just going through the motions day after day--you know the feeling: get up, eat breakfast, brush teeth, blah, blah, blah...

It is only now that I am realizing that for a while, this is okay; in fact, it is a good thing! All this drudgery has had some effect on my spiritual life...at least for the first two weeks of July. I just hadn't been as vibrant in my faith as I usually feel. It wasn't really a time of neglect from God...but I felt like the connection wasn't there as deeply as normally.

However, last night I was reading in My Utmost for His Highest (a book I suggest everyone should get, by the way) and I had this revelation of sorts.

In 2 Peter 1:5-9, it says, "For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; and to godliness, brotherly kindness; and to brotherly kindness, love. For if you possess these qualities in increasing measure, they will keep you from being ineffective and unproductive in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. But if anyone does not have them, he is nearsighted and blind, and has forgotten that he has been cleansed from his past sins".

I love how you can read a passage a million times, but always find something new in it! This time, the word that struck me was "add". I know I have inherited the Divine nature (verse 4), but now I must make every effort to focus my attention and form habits, give diligence, concentrate. No man is born either naturally or supernaturally with character or habits, he has to develop them! We must form new habits and expand our character on the basis of the new life God has put into us.

I am learning that all this drudgery the test of my character as a Christian. We are not always meant to be illuminated versions of life...but we are to take the common stuff of ordinary life and use it to exhibit the marvel of the grace of God. I am learning that the great hindrance in spiritual life is that we look for big things to do, when Jesus simply took a towel and began to wash his disciples' feet...

Slowly, I am becoming okay with the fact that there are times where there is no illumination and no thrill, but just the daily round, the common task. Routine is God's way of saving us between our times of inspiration. He will always provide the thrilling moments, but we need to learn to live in the domain of drudgery. I guess we need to learn to "collect the manna".

Sweet Sixteen and Never Been Kissed

2007-06-21T22:19:00.000-06:00

I'm feeling deep regret for my blog right now: I've put it through such abandonment! Not without reason, of course...life has been crazy in the past month and I'm finally feeling a slight sense of it starting to slow down (at least a little bit, anyway). Yesterday was my 16th birthday. Honestly enough, not that exciting of a day for me...it was a good day, but nothing out of the ordinary. Well, actually there was something a little out of the ordinary...but I'm not going there. Basically I was riding this crazy emotional rollercoaster which made parts of the day a little insane...especially because when it comes to emotions I'm usually just a moderately curved line...not like a line you would see if there was a 9.5 earthquake measured on a Richter scale. I'm not sure if that makes sense to anyone, but it made sense in my mind!

When all was said and done, it was a good but stressful day. Everyone was really kind for some reason...maybe it was because it was the last day of school and they were in a good mood. But it was a nice change! Michelle brought me a donut (which was sweet, literally and figuratively) and Dylan gave me flowers...that he picked off a tree at school. There's a funny story there, but I won't go into detail. And then Evan decided that instead of the birthday bumps he would give me the birthday chokes...so he choked me for 16 seconds. I even had a boy carry my books for me when I was cleaning out my locker, which was very sweet...

So, on to the title of this post. Mr. Weber knew it was my birthday yesterday (because his son's birthday is today) and he came up to me and was like, "So, Erika: sweet sixteen and never been kissed?" What an awkward question for a teacher to ask. But in case any of you really want to know, the answer to that is no. Not on the lips anyway...but in a bunch of other random spots...there are some weird stories there too, come to think of it. Why do so many strange things happen to me? I guess I am just that strange of a person or something.

My parents gave me this cherry red Ovation acoustic guitar...it is beautiful and I love it! And my brothers got me the new Sherwood album, which is awesome and highly reccomended. I wrote my English final today and it actually went pretty well, I think. I'm quite confident that my mark will be good. So school is officially out...seeing as I only have one final left and there's no stressing over that one. Summer is finally here!

Speaking in Tongues

2007-05-07T22:18:00.000-06:00

Has anyone ever heard anyone speak in tongues? Or actually spoken in tongues themselves? Sometime when I have more time on my hands, I'd like to get into this subject...but for now I'd like to hear some feedback/experiences you have had with this.

On Being Joyful and Content

2007-05-04T18:04:00.000-06:00

This past week has been so amazing for me! Nothing earth shattering happened, in fact, nothing even slightly significant happened. But I have been feeling so full of life, full of the Holy Spirit. I feel as though it is dripping out every part of me! I am content and full of joy and in love with living for and serving God. I am finally free! I have two poems from Bradley Hathaway here for you to read; they pretty much describe how I feel.

On Being Joyful and Content
I'm ecstatic!
And my thoughts are uncontrollably sporadic!
Yet centered around one center: Joy.

In plush ripe tones
joy is rushing through my bones!
If joy were a color, it would be purple, pastel, pretty.
Like old women and young children
both wear on easter
Smiling while having deviled eggs
and drinking kool-aid

Chasing blown bubbles
in the backyard
The young ones' distracting hats
fly off...And the old ones laugh a contagious laughter that is to be shared by everyone there

The sun shines down upon them
as all of their physical imperfections
gleam beautifully, and inside, inside I feel like this!
and I look outside my window
and imagine the future: purple, pastel, pretty moments of joy
that I will one day have with my husband.
My children.
My friends.
My family.

I really look forward to those moments.
But I am thankful for the one that I am having right now.
This morning.
Alone.
On my couch.

Overwhelmed by joy.

I Felt Really Good This Day, Yes
You’re pouring your love all over me and it’s dripping off the tops and sides and bottoms and middles of trees full of splendid little busy bees about doing your purpose how can this be? That you’ve let my heart to see and experience and take in and now to sing… sing sing sing about your love to everybody anybody or the somebody that’s considered a nobody but they are special to thee and for that I thank thee that these things have been shown to me.

Keep this mercy falling down down and this grace falling down down… on the top of my scalp dripping off of my nose down around my bellybutton all the way to my pinky toe cuticle that you made and for that it is cool. Sometimes I play the fool but still your love is all around, sprouting from the ground here and there and everywhere especially on this floor that I now stand.

And how amazingly awesome is your plan that cannot be thwarted by any man no matter how big or strong or ugly or evil he be, because through you is victory. And it’s victory that I now speak of and have to let out of my skin because for too long it’s been contained therein.

Lord I praise you because you are different and efficient. And you’ve tweaked my spirit just enough so that I can taste and see that you truly are good. Like a fresh picked pineapple for the first time in my mouth or the warmth of your sun on the back of my not warm neck on a not warm day. I praise your name today and tomorrow and forever.

Manquarium

2007-05-03T22:01:00.000-06:00

Looking for the perfect guy? It may be easier than you think! Gillette Venus Breeze has this website up, called Manquarium where girls can design their perfect guy and then watch him swim or something like that! I find this really funny...but pretty sad that we've sunk to creating virtual boyfriends. Oh well. Check it out if you have the time!

http://www.manquarium.com/default.asp?manq=62D4F806-5B38-40FC-83B9-684E4F707ED6

The Answer to the Question

2007-04-30T20:25:00.000-06:00

A couple days ago, I was wondering how I could become righteous...and I found the answer: I already am. "God made him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God" (2 Corinthians 5:21). The one who trusts in Christ becomes “the righteousness of God in Him” as Christ becomes a part of him. Because of Christ, anyone who trusts, has faith, and believes also becomes all that God requires a man to be, all that he could never be by himself. That is amazing; that is grace.

Cleaning Up

2007-04-29T21:50:00.000-06:00

Once again, my mom is on my back about cleaning my room. I know I should just obey her and do it, but I really don't want you. Anyone who knows me well will know that my room is often not the neatest place in the world. This statement seems to surprise most people, who simply say, "but you're so organized at school and everything...how could your room be messy?" That is reason enough for my room to be messy, and not neat.

I always have to be neat and organized at school, because so much is expected of me, and I have a lot of responsibilities. At the end of the day, I just need some place to be messy and creative...and most times when my room is messy it is because I haven't been writing or drawing or doing anything creative...I need my messy place! My mom doesn't understand this...she likes it when everything is clean...but I don't. But most of the time I love her, so I guess I'll clean my room.

This Morning

2007-04-24T21:30:00.000-06:00

This morning I woke up really early (5:00) and heard the birds chirping. Don't ask me why, but for some reason, this made me extremely happy this morning...

Righteousness

2007-04-22T20:43:00.000-06:00

Once again, I'm finding it quite interesting how everything, from every aspect of my life seems to tie together. Just last week, I came across this verse in Romans that really struck me...and then Shaleen mentioned it to me in small groups. And then Mr. Nickel brought up the same subject in Christian Ethics. I love how God works!

That being said, I am actually finding this verse quite confusing:

"For in the gospel a righteousness from God is revealed, a righteousness that is by faith from first to last, just as it is written: The righteous will live by faith." (Romans 1:17).

What exactly is righteousness? I looked it up in the thesaurus and got "virtuous" and "pure". I know that God is both of these...but how can I be? I am flawed, imperfect, unfinished...

I long to be righteous, just like described in Isaiah 61 where it says: "[I will] bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of his splendor."

To me this verse paints such a beautiful picture: a lush, green tree with its branches spread wide under the sun. Kind of like the picture on my blog. I want to be a tree like that, evidence of God's redemptive work.

Hmm...this is just a thought, but maybe this is where Stellar Kart got that weird song, "Tree Climber" from...or you know, it could just be totally random!

He takes over my scars and I put my life in His.

Renovations

2007-04-21T22:57:00.000-06:00

So, if anyone out there reads my blog religiously, you have probably seen that I have been trying out different templates in the past week! I have finally found one that I think is perfect! Tell me what you think!

Lioness

2007-04-12T23:10:00.000-06:00

So, this is Spring Break? I can't believe it snowed again, but I guess that's what you're in for when you live in Saskatchewan! At least it seems to be warming up now. So, it's been a little while again (where does the time go?) and I've got a bunch of ranting to do!

If two people are "in love", why do they have to continually progress farther sexually? I know it can feel different when you're in "the heat of the moment"...but can't we (especially as girls) have enough courage to stand up for our purity?

I know that one day I want to be able to give my whole self to my husband; to say to him, "I saved myself for you." This is proving to be more and more difficult, it seems, for anyone in such a sex-crazed culture. It is extremely easy to get sucked into a deeply physical relationship. I say this because I know some people who are there right now.

Personally, I don't think I want to go past holding hands, light kissing, etc. in any relationship I'm in. I don't think I would feel good about making out with someone I knew I wouldn't spend my life with. So if I get into that, I give everyone reading this permission to slap me across the face.

Temptation plays a big role in sexual purity...and it can be hard to overcome. But look into the Bible and you'll see that Jesus overcame temptation by praying and with scripture in Matthew 4. Later in Matthew 26:41, he tells the disciples to "Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation; the spirit is willing, but the body is weak." Isn't that true? I know what I want to do, and I'm always trying hard to do good...but I'm so weak! I give in so easily sometimes.

I really like this verse in 1 Corinthians 10:13:

No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.

Isn't that amazing! I don't know about you, but that gives me so much hope! While I'm on this topic, I thought I'd throw in some lyrics from Dead Poetic. Enjoy!

She's a god in her own right
She dims the room light
As she moves closer
We all move slower.

Tracing white lines
Sipping fine wines
We remember when purity wasn't dead.

In this darkness I can't remember when
We were stable, we were able!

The sex is the lioness,
"Queen of the Temple"
I look right in her eyes
Then down to her level.

She'll play unstable and let you get away
You get her faded but not her name.
You've taken something sacred and made it a game
Your perversions are wicked and fanning the flame.

The sex is the liar.
The sex is the LIAR.

He takes over my scars and I put my life in His.

Happy Birthday, Elissa!

2007-04-07T20:39:00.001-06:00

Sweet sixteen! Wow! Hope it was a good one...

To A Mouse

2007-04-02T22:18:00.000-06:00

I finished reading Of Mice and Men this weekend...and I have to say, I enjoyed it, but what a sad, depressing tale! It is pretty much only about how the "American Dream" cannot be fulfilled, at least not often, although it may easily come into reach. John Steinback based the book on a poem by Robert Burns; I found a copy of it translated into modern English:

Small, sleek, cowering, timorous beast,
O, what a panic is in your breast!
You need not start away so hasty
With hurrying scamper!
I would be loath to run and chase you,
With murdering plough-staff.

I'm truly sorry man's dominion
Has broken Nature's social union,
And justifies that ill opinion
Which makes thee startle
At me, thy poor, earth born companion
And fellow mortal!

I doubt not, sometimes, but you may steal;
What then? Poor beast, you must live!
An odd ear in twenty-four sheaves
Is a small request;
I will get a blessing with what is left,
And never miss it.

Your small house, too, in ruin!
It's feeble walls the winds are scattering!
And nothing now, to build a new one,
Of coarse grass green!
And bleak December's winds coming,
Both bitter and keen!

You saw the fields laid bare and wasted,
And weary winter coming fast,
And cozy here, beneath the blast,
You thought to dwell,
Till crash! the cruel plough past
Out through your cell.

That small bit heap of leaves and stubble,
Has cost you many a weary nibble!
Now you are turned out, for all your trouble,
Without house or holding,
To endure the winter's sleety dribble,
And hoar-frost cold.

But Mouse, you are not alone,
In proving foresight may be vain:
The best laid schemes of mice and men
Go often askew,
And leaves us nothing but grief and pain,
For promised joy!

Still you are blest, compared with me!
The present only touches you:
But oh! I backward cast my eye,
On prospects dreary!
And forward, though I cannot see,
I guess and fear!

I find that poem really interesting...quite thought-provoking anyway.

The Tragedy of McDonald

2007-03-31T21:32:00.000-06:00

Well, Mr. Nickel told me to put it online for others to see, and to get others to read it so here it is: I give you McDonald (spin-off on Macbeth).

Act 3, Scene 1
Characters: Narrator, Ronald McDonald (Macbeth), Worker (Attendant), Birdie (the McDonald's character, playing First Murderer), and a Chef (Second Murderer).

Narrator: This is a story of friends turned foe
A classic tale of Macbeth and Banquo
That has taken a twist across the times,
Now they are former hockey players and talking mimes
Ronald McDonald and Timmy were friends
Until one day their friendship ends
When Mr. McDonald hires three mysterious chefs
To sabotage Tim Horton, ensuring his business’ death.

McDonald: Oh dear Tim Horton, my old friend
Do what you wish until your end
For tonight, after my shift
My fry cooks will meet you with actions swift
Now where are those cooks?

Worker: They’re in the back room, balancing the books.

McDonald: Bring them to me!
Manager of McDonalds I may be…
But as long as Tim Horton is in the way
Never will I see the day
That I shall be owner of them all
All fast food chains, big and small!
Burger King and Wendy’s I already own
Now it’s up to my fry cooks to set the tone
For me to take over, if prophecy and fate agree,
I’ll steal Tim Horton’s famous iced cap recipe!

[Birdie and Chef enter].

Aha! You are here,
Come in close, gather near
I have a special task for you

Birdie: What is it you want us to do?

McDonald: Listen close to what I say
At the end of our shift, at the end of the day
You will sneak quietly into Timmy’s
And take hold of their secret recipes!

Flying Girl: Okay, sounds good, Ronald sir,
And just so you know, with you I concur.
When we worked for him he made us so mad,
Now were going to get him so bad.

Act 3, Scene 3

Characters: Tim Horton (Banquo), Birdie (First Murderer), Chef (Second Murderer), Hamburglar (Third Murderer).

[Tim Horton walks outside after locking up his restaurant and starts walking towards the Chefs].

Birdie: Oh look he’s leaving.
Let’s find that recipe we’re to be retrieving.
Quick, sneak in, he’s checking his phone.

Tim Horton: [opens his phone] Hello, Tim Horton here!

Chef: Hurry, stay out of his no-zone!

Birdie, Hamburglar [who suddenly appears], and Chef: No-zone, stay out of the no-zone!

Birdie: Who sent you here?

Hamburglar: McDonald did, my dear.

Chef: Why he’s here doesn’t matter,
Let’s go steal their cookie batter!

[Open the door and sneak inside Tim Horton’s restaurant].

Birdie: O wait, there’s something I need to say:
We’re taking the small door, is that okay?
Or would you rather go through the garage door?

Hamburglar: I don’t get it, can you explain it more?

Chef: Where should we look?

Birdie: I don’t know, you’re the cook.

[Birdie, Hamburglar, and Chef look around, rummaging through boxes, papers, etc].

Hamburglar: We’ve been looking around for half an hour. We need some electrical power. Give us a light there, ho!

[Tim Horton walks in and turns on light].

Hamburglar: Thank you. Let’s look down this row.

[Birdie and Chef walk down audience rows].

Tim Horton: No problem, I'd be much obliged.

[Three chefs gasp, act frightened, and start to panic].

Chef: I’ve got the recipe, run and hide!

[Chefs run past Tim Horton, knocking him over onto the floor, and run for the door].

The Rocket Summer!!!

2007-03-20T22:10:00.000-06:00

Awesome news...HelloGoodbye and Boys Like Girls and THE ROCKET SUMMER are coming to Saskatoon! April 13...I am so pumped.

Talk

2007-03-05T20:12:00.000-06:00

So today during Accounting Mr. Peters comes up to me and asks if he can talk to me for a while. I wasn't really sure what to think...just because usually when a teacher wants to talk to you, you get in trouble or something like that (It's even scarier when it's the school counsellor!). But this was nothing like that: he took me out into the hall and told me he was blessed by me.

This was so incredible to hear: because that is exactly what I hope for in my life. Not for glory, but for the chance to be a light and to bless people, because I have been blessed unconditionally in my life. It's encouraging to hear that I have passed it on, even if only to one person.

We spent about 15 minutes just chatting about stuff we were learning and things along that line. God has such amazing timing! I love how everything in my life always connects together at exactly the right moment. It's not coincidental at all, no matter what other people may say.

Our main focus was on the many "Ifs" and "Thens" of the Bible: think about it, there really are a lot...indicating a free choice...indicating that "life to the full" only comes when we have faith enough to give ourselves completely to God and let him work through us.

If you are willing and obedient, then you will eat the best from the land.
-Isaiah 1:19

If you have faith as small as a mustard seed, then you can say to this mountain, "Move from here to there" and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.
-Matthew 17:20

If you remain in me, and my words remain in you, then you may ask whatever you wish, and it will be give to you.

-John 15:7

There's a lot in that book...check it out sometime. What do you have to lose?

He takes over my scars and I put my life in His.

Fruit Loops

2007-02-27T21:23:00.000-06:00

Why do we long to be different and unique, yet bind ourselves to some abstract image of perfection, to some level of conformity?

Birthday Wishes

2007-02-27T15:32:00.000-06:00

So this one is going out to one of my favourite people in the world (and the best part is, I can say this honestly)....dah dah dah da da da daaaaaaaaaah (imagine some music here for the effect of a dramatic entrance) Jenna (a.k.a. the "Funkmaster")!

Jenna: you are an amazing person! Your energy and enthusiasm is not only encouraging to me, but contageous! Your love for God is awesome and I am praying that throughout this year he will continue to build you and make you stronger, especially as you prepare to go to Mexico and as you spend time there. I can truly say that you are a friend who is always there, willing to listen, and willing to help. Don't worry about math tonight (or any night for that matter, just do your best in all that you do!); have a fantastic birthday! So these are my birthday wishes for you: that you would grow in love (for others, and for yourself, and most importantly for God), and in wisdom, and in faith, and always continue to be yourself.

Faith

2007-02-26T19:38:00.000-06:00

Sometimes you don't know how much you miss something until it is gone. We missed Christian Ethics for the past week because of Drivers Ed., and even though it can be a little boring just sitting there reading "Just Like Jesus" every day (which, by the way, is not a bad book...but the way we are reading it has made me become uninterested, to say the least), I have missed listening to Mr. Nickel's strange rants. He makes me think.

Personally, I have missed ranting lately too.

So here it goes: Mr. Nickel stated today that our faith is "completely irrational". This kind of stuck with me for the rest of the day...because I think he kind of stated the obvious. Could any faith be rational?

Think about it: with simple things that can be drawn out in black and white there is no need for a faith of any sort! This is a lame example, but think about the batteries you use in your iPod or mp3 player...eventually they will die, right? So you would never say, "I have faith that my batteries will die!" You would just sound like an idiot. Obviously, they will die; it's rational. It's just the way things work. So there is no faith in that, because faith is defined as being sure of the things we cannot see.

Now say for example you said, "I have faith that my batteries will never run out of juice!" You would sound like an idiot saying that too! This is an example of an irrational belief. It doesn't make sense by any laws of science that your batteries could live forever on their own. However, there is a solution: a charger. The Bible states that "faith without action is dead", and so is a rechargeable battery without a charger. What's the point? So why would you even choose to say "I'm a Christian, I believe what the Bible says" unless you actually choose to live it out?

Just like a charger can revive a battery, Christ can make our lives new. It takes a certain kind of faith to know that electricity is running through your outlet, and a similar type to trust that Christ is working to transform you, every day you allow him to. The results can be amazing...but only after you put the batteries in your iPod and press play.

So the fact that I would give up my scars to an "abstract being" in some minds may be totally irrational...but if it were not so, I would not have a faith.

He takes over my scars and I put my life in His.

Just a thought.

This Just In!

2007-02-18T21:57:00.000-06:00

Just looking back at my blog I have realized that I have not been on here in a while and have forgotten to give everyone the news: I got accepted to go to Mexico! More details on that one later too...I spent last night in the airport and now I am exhausted, to say the least.

I'm Back (en Español)

2007-02-18T21:52:00.000-06:00

Hi everyone! I'm back from Florida; I had a really great time (except for all the rows between my mother and I, but that's nothing new. It just so happened that two very different people were crammed into a smaller than usual space with less bathrooms. This is scientifically proven to cause more arguments. Actually.) So I wrote this poem tonight and then just for fun translated it (very, very, roughly) into Spanish. It's funny...because no one knows what it means, not even Spanish people because I'm sure my grammar is horrible and some of the words probably aren't even right. Oh well.

Rojo en las mejillas en amor
Suave, delicado pétalo de flor
Cuándo es de sustantivo?
Cuándo poder yo uno noche con tú?
Venir, sí, amor, viajar de noche y beso las estrella con mí
Las despierto nuevo días.

So I just barely spent half an hour trying to log on to Blogger because mine is being so dumb right now, so I will give you full trip updates (probably with pictures!) in the near future.

Change of Heart

2007-01-09T22:07:00.000-06:00

So we're doing this assignments in English revolving around World War Two. My group got anti-semitisim, which I thought would be really boring. Honestly, I just have not been caring all that much about this project, until today. I have had a change of heart about it. I am realizing that it is one of the most interesting things I have heard in a long time. So confusing and complex...kind of lacking logic...someone's ignorant, but no one knows who...I don't know, but I find it interesting. Perhaps sometime I will post something on here about it. But not tonight, because I just want to sleep.

P.S. I know some of you will be reading this right now thinking, "Is she out of her mind? That sounds so boring!" but I am loving this. It may only be because we have had so many boring lectures from Mr. Yeo though...

I guess you can decide, but in any case I will definitely be posting a big rant about my opinions on this topic in the near future.

I think I may have lost my mind, or else I have just gone back to being that completely nerdy self. Which I don't think I mind so much anymore...smashing expectations. Anyway, that's a whole other topic! Have a good evening.

Short and Untitled

2007-01-05T23:52:00.001-06:00

They say that sometimes you are farther than the moon
and sometimes you are closer than my skin.
Indeed, I remember back when you were closer than my skin;
Those were the evenings spent alone with you in bliss,
Those were the mornings when you awoke me by a gentle kiss;
And these are the evenings when I sit alone and wish and reminisce,
and these are the mornings when I wake to an alarm clock after falling asleep with the hurting thought:
Why have you forsaken me?

An Amusing Way to Spend Time...

2006-12-03T21:47:00.000-06:00

Check out this game on the Disney Channel's Hannah Montana website:

http://psc.disney.go.com/disneychannel/hannahmontana/games/jamminwithhannah/index.html

Spirit (Prayer)

2006-12-03T21:41:00.000-06:00

Spirit, fall fresh on me
Spirit, fall fresh on me
Hear my cry
Fill my life

I won't need anything but You

I've found all that I want
All that I long for in You
I've found all that I want
All that I long for in You

Wasted time
Is when I'm far from your truth
I've found all that I want
All that I long for in You

Spirit, come be my joy
Spirit, come be my joy
Be my song
Fill my lungs

I won't need anything but You

I've found all that I want
All that I long for in You
I've found all that I want
All that I long for in You

Wasted time
Is when I'm far from your truth
I've found all that I want
All that I long for in You

I've found all that I want
All that I long for in You
I've found all that I want
All that I long for in You

Wasted time
Is when I'm far from your truth
I've found all that I want
All that I long for in You.

I've found all that I want
All that I long for is You
I've found all that I want
All that I long for is You...

Maturity

2006-11-30T21:38:00.000-06:00

Here's one of the many things running around in my mind right now: is immaturity (or maturity, on the flip side) a choice, or is it somehow involuntary?

Once again, this is relevant to guys in my class. But it goes for some of the girls too. (This includes me, for the record).

People keep saying, "Oh, they'll grow up eventually" but when is that? Maybe they have already passed the stage of maturity and are still (for some reason) choosing to remain immature and make themselves look foolish...because "it's more fun this way. You can't have as much fun when you're mature." (This is an actual quote from someone.)

It amazes me that 15 and 16 year old young men (ahem...I suppose I should use the term "boys") can be so childish. Mentally, I believe they really are 15 and 16 year old young men...somewhere. But on the outside, they may as well be six.

And while I'm talking about them acting like they're six I am generalizing and stereotyping and perhaps even prejudging them. Do I really know them? When I speak with some of them one on one I can see that there is a lot more to them than meets the eye. But how foolish of me, how childish of me to do this! How can I expect them to be mature and pull it together if I can't even do so?

Last Sunday Josh (Neudorf) spoke at church for a while, and he blew me away. He spoke with such clarity and maturity. I could identify with most of what he said, because I had been there as well. He reminded me a lot of myself. And he reminded me to remain passionate and on fire for God (which is what I am trying to do).

But why is this so hard? I want God as #1 in my life and I'm having such a hard time keeping him there right now. It is definitely taking more effort than before...but I need that. If it wasn't hard, I don't think there could be an award as amazing as there is.

Some other stuff is really bothering me right now too...with some certain people I guess. I don't want to see them take the wrong path...and it scares me because just last night I think I caught a glimpse of what could happen to them somehow.

But I don't know. I'm just going on about nothing. Because I have everything in the world to say, but I can't get it onto paper. Can't put it into words. Which is strange, because this is usually so natural for me. Right now, the muse is gone, and I just can't write.

Big Pet Peeve!

2006-11-18T22:36:00.000-06:00

People who tell you what they're giving you for Christmas! It's so annoying! I want to be surprised...but nooooooooooo...

My mom always does this. She gets so excited with presents. When she was a kid she always peeked at her presents and tried on clothes her mom bought her before she was supposed to receive them. I do not do this. I think it's so stupid. I want to actually be surprised when someone gives me a gift (whether it's good or bad).

Today when my mom and I were shopping there was this jean jacket and she's like "do you like this shorter style of jacket?" and I was like, "No, not really." And then at home, I go and give her my laundry and she just can't help but say it: "I bought you a jean jacket for Christmas and I don't know if you'll like it! Should I return it?" And I just went: "Mo-om! Stop ruining surprises!"

It's so annoying she did this at my birthday too. I knew every single thing I was getting. I told her it was pointless to wrap it because it wasn't a surprise anyway.

I ♥ Katie!

2006-11-03T21:55:00.000-06:00

Thank you for saving my blog titles!!! lol! Now I shall go back and fix all my titles because that just really bothers me!!! <3 Erika

Don't Judge a Book by its Cover

2006-11-02T22:00:00.000-06:00

Before I start writing this, I would just like to say that this blog is so annoying. Why will it not let me post titles??? Everyone else's works...oh well.

Just when you think you have something figured out doesn't it seem that all of a sudden something radical happens?? And maybe this isn't all that "radical"....but if you knew this person...it seems pretty big.

Jonney...he annoys me so much. Because, according to Relient K, he is what we call an "Ape". He calls girls "woman" and it seems that all he likes is video games and souped up cars. And paintballing. He is that guy who makes fun of you for (gasp) actually reading the reading assignment and (gasp) actually studying for a test. He is that guy who groans when he finds out he accidentally worked ahead in math.

He is that guy who smashed your $120 calculator!!!! (Not on purpose...but things like this happen to him often because he has that "I don't care" attitude).

I was disappointed, but not mad at him....but still, he should stop being so careless, he is just making a mess of himself and his life.

But then this "Ape" writes you a really nice apology letter. Totally unexpected and out of the blue. Matt Thiessen and the guys in Relient K really are geniuses. I mean really. They predicted this: within every ape, there is a Mr. Wonderful...sometimes you just have to dig a little deeper to find it. Why couldn't he always be nice like that? Why can't he treat everyone like he treats Erin?? What exactly is holding him back? What would he lose: his reputation as "the guy who doesn't care"??? And why would you want that anyway???

I don't think he does want that...I think he's hiding...

Hmm...what a strange young man.

Sophomore Slump or Comeback of the Year?

2006-11-01T21:10:00.000-06:00

Today Mr. Nickel pointed out something to our class that we all kind of secretly realized: the fact that in general the girls are at a high/positive level for the most part and the boys are at a low/negative level for the most part. Our class is like the great divide when it comes to girls and guys...girls on one side of the room, guys on the other. And no, it is not because we are all grade 3ish and still think there are cooties, it's because we're not on the same level.

And when we do all decide to hang out...that's all we do, hang out. Intelligent conversations going on=0. Instead of the girls pulling up the guys and motivating them we sink down to their level. And why should we?

It's like us girls are standing on top of a table and trying to pull the guys up on top. But they're so much stronger for some reason and it is so much easier for them to pull us down.

So here it is: our second year in high school...do we make it a sophomore slump...or have that comeback of the year as "the golden class"? I guess it's up to us. All I know is that I'm tired of bringing myself down to that level and making myself look so foolish. And I'm tired of everyone else looking so foolish too. There is no need for that.

Are we going up or just going down?
It's just a matter of time until we're all found out
Take our tears, put them on ice
'Cause I swear I'd burn this city down to show you the light...

Go Lions!

2006-10-27T21:40:00.000-06:00

Yeah! VCA girls won 5-2!!! Provincial Gold medal game tomorrow!!!

Mood Rings

2006-10-26T21:14:00.000-06:00

According to Relient K, girls should wear mood rings so that guys can figure out what they're thinking. (We all know the girls that I am talking about, they are time bombs and they are ticking, and the only question's when they'll blow up...they're those girls [yeah you know those girls] who let their emotions get the best of them...)

But according to me, guys need mood rings too. Especially some in particular (*cough cough* if you go to my school, you should know what I mean). So in Relient K's song "Mood Rings" I changed the word "girl" to "guy" and "hair" to "car" and stuff like that. Don't ask why, I'm bored:

We all know the guys that I am talking about
Well they are time bombs and they are ticking
And the only question's when they'll blow up
And they'll blow up, we know that without a doubt
Cause they're those guys, yeah you know those guys who let their emotions get the best of them.
And I've contrived some sort of a plan to help my fellow woman:

Let's get emotional guys to all wear mood rings
So we'll be tipped off to when they're ticked off
Cuz we'll know just what they're thinking

He's a good person but he doesn't always act that way
His mood's out swinging on the swingset almost everyday
He said to me that he's "so happy it's depressing"
And all I said was, "Someone, get that guy a mood ring!"

If it's drama you want, then look no further
He's like the real world meets Boy Meets World meets Days of Our Lives
And it just kills me how he gets away with murder
He'll anger you then hold you tight, hold you tight with all his might

He's a nice person but he doesn't always act that way
His mood's out swinging on the swingset almost everyday
He said to me that he's "so stressed out it's soothing"
And all I said was, "Someone, get that guy a mood ring!"

Cause when it's black means watch your back because you're probably
The last person in the world right now he wants to see
And when it's blue it means that you should call him up immediately
and ask him out because he'll most likely agree
And when it's green it simply means that he is really stressed
And when it's clear it means he's completely emotionless
And that's alright, I must confess...

We all know the guys that I am talking about
He liked you Wednesday but now it's Friday
and he has to wash his car
And it just figures that we'll never figure them out
First he's Jekyll and then he's Hyde...
at least he makes a lovely pair.

Mood ring, oh mood ring
Oh tell me, will you bring
the key to unlock this mystery
Of guys and their emotions
Play it back in slow motion
So I may understand the complex infrastructure known as the male mind...

Studying Politics

2006-10-24T22:34:00.000-06:00

What I'm finding out this year is that relationships in high school are pretty much pointless. It's like a pencil with erasers at both ends...why would you want it or even need it? You can not give but only take away. Seriously. They're just convenient. That's the only reason I have friends right now, it's because of convenient relationships. Otherwise I doubt most people would even want to be my friend. They'd be just like everyone else who just writes me off these days. Inconstant, judgmental people who treat me better when I do one thing even though my beliefs and life are exactly the same in all situations. These are the politics of my friendships. I always feel like the odd person out whether this be true or false in life. But it's how I feel and it sucks.

These are the politics of our conversation: an idle chit chat constantly buzzing around the halls. Pointless and meaningless talk. I need someone to share my passions with...I seem to have a lot of those. I want my life to have meaning and purpose and I can't seem to find it right now. I go to a Christian school. But I won't kid myself, it's no Christian school. It's just like anywhere else, or worse because people know better and don't care; they toss it out their window of apathy. Their hearts are hard and ugly and people probably won't like it that I say that, but it's too bad because I did. And honestly I just wish some of them weren't in my life right now. Aren't Christians supposed to be building each other up???? Then how come at this "Christian" school am I constantly feeling torn down and alone? Is this a reflection of me??? Is this the reaction for my actions?

Generally, I am a judger. This is not always bad...but I analyze everything to death and I have opinions on most things...and if I am close enough to you I will spit them in your face (uh, not literally)...but I know my family just hates me for this but I can't help that I just load it all on them because they don't understand that I have no one else to tell it to. And I want to tell it to someone but at the same time I don't, this is mostly a fear: a fear of being rejected or hurt or used or abused...because I do believe teenagers can truly be horrible, and in one of the worst ways to be so. Yet, I am one of these horrible people. I am a jerk and it is my own fault that I sit at home alone every night. I just want to find someone who understands it. What it's like to be me, what it's like to always have to be responsible and on time and perfect, and what it's like to not be able to be "who I'm supposed to be".

Mr. Nickel says that I'm definitely not a normal teenage girl. I'm just not sure whether that's a compliment or not...but after he told me that I took this quiz online that was supposed to be able to guess about how old you are...and I got mid-late 20s. Go figure, but whatever. A part of me really wants to just get on with life, go to university, get a job, etc. and just move on from these crappy teenage years...but another part of me actually wants to be just like everyone else...and just have fun. But I'm not everybody else and I never will be. And Mr. Nickel also told me not to rush my life away, and if things improve maybe I'll even take him up on that offer. But right now I can't see a lot of significance in being 15, and I'd really just like to get through these teen years as quickly and as pain-free as possible. Which is kind of contradictory, because all of this does not fit in the "pain-free" category. But whatever. I am just having a hard time with this whole friends issue right now, and I ask for your prayer and your forgiveness. But if you ever want to talk to me about it, please don't use your typical teenage gibberish.

I just want to add, this blog was not meant to hurt any of my "friends" (and I'm sorry I'm putting you in quotation marks, but that's just how it is right now). You guys are good people...I am just trying to figure out who is true and who is not. I don't think you're jerks. I don't consider you awful people. I'm just stating what I have found to be true about people I know. It's too bad that I have to actually write these things. But yeah, no offence to anyone, I am just venting here. These are the politics of my life.

What's Important?

2006-10-16T22:02:00.000-06:00

Sometimes people come into your life and you know right away that they were meant to be there, to serve some sort of purpose, teach you a lesson, or help you figure out who you are or want to become.

You never know who these people may be—a roommate, a neighbour, a professor, a friend, a lover, or even a complete stranger—but when you lock eyes with them, you know at that very moment that they will effect your life in some profound way.

Sometimes things happen to you that may seem horrible, painful, and unfair at first, but in reflection you find that without overcoming those obstacles, you would never have realized your potential, strength, willpower, or heart.

Illness, injury, love, lost moments of true greatness, and sheer stupidity all occur to test the limits of your soul. Without these small tests, whatever they may be, life would be like a smoothly paved straight flat road to nowhere. It would be safe and comfortable, but dull and utterly pointless.

The people you meet who affect your life, and the success and downfalls you experience, help to create who you are and who you become. Even the bad experiences can be learned from. In fact, they are sometimes the most important ones.

If someone loves you, give love back to them in whatever way you can, not only because they love you, but because in a way, they are teaching you to love and how to open your heart and eyes to things.

If someone hurts you, betrays you, or breaks your heart, forgive them, for they have helped you learn about trust and the importance of being cautious to whom you open your heart.

Make every day count. Appreciate every moment and take from those moments everything that you possibly can, for you may never be able to experience it again. Talk to people that you have never talked to before, and listen to what they have to say.

Let yourself fall in love, break free, and set your sights high. Hold your head up because you have every right to. Tell yourself you are a great individual and believe in yourself, for if you don’t believe in yourself, how can others?

You can make anything you wish of your life. Create your own life and then go out and live it with absolutely no regrets.

And if you love someone, tell them, for you never know what tomorrow may have in store. Learn a lesson in life each day that you live! Today is not the tomorrow you were worried about yesterday.

Was it worth it?

Here it Comes, a Beautiful Collision...

2006-10-01T14:24:00.000-06:00

Right now, I'm loving David Crowder's album "A Collision". It's showing me that worship shouldn't be about tradition, but it shouldn't be about trying to be all cool or high and mighty either...it's about coming to God honestly, with an open heart full of adoration for Him. So anyway, here's lyrics from a song of his, "A Beautiful Collision":

The breaking makes a sound I never knew could be so beautiful and loud, fury filled and we collide.
So courageous until now, fumbling and scared.
So afraid You'll find me out, alone here with my doubt.
Here it comes, a beautiful collision is happening now.
There seems to be no end to where You begin and there I am, now You and I collide.
Something circling inside, spaciously you fly, infinite and wide, like the moon and sky collide.
Here it comes, here it comes now...

I'm learning that God and I colliding truly is wonderful.

When my depravity meets His divinity it is a beautiful collision.

The Chrysalids

2006-09-30T21:22:00.001-06:00

I finished reading The Chrysalids a little while ago, and I just have to say, it's really strange. John Wyndham must have had a really strange mind. Or else he was just super creative, in a weird kind of way.

Anyway, I guess it just got me thinking: we are all mutants in this world. Especially as Christians. This is not my true home...it's like I'm David and living in Waknuk or travelling through the Fringes, and am always being chased down or having to always be on my guard. And then some day I'll get to the Sealand and I'll finally be home.

I can't wait for that, because I don't fit in that well in this world. And I can't wait to see Jesus! I think that when I first see him it will be like David and Rosalind and Petra staring in awe at that big blue bay...so unfamiliar [but they already know it], yet so wonderful and beautiful and magnificent. And amazing, like nothing else. I can't wait!

LISTENING TO: Some Will Seek Forgiveness, Others Escape; Underoath

I Hate Feeling Like This

2006-09-04T15:06:00.000-06:00

So yeah. School didn't start out that well, but I'm trying to change my attitude about it. I'm praying about it every day. But right now I'm just really mad/upset/confused...so it can get hard to see things clearly.

So yesterday at the cabin [I was staying at the Wall cabin and the rest of my family was at the Boymook cabin] my parents and Michael and Haley's parents decided that it would be a pretty sweet idea to take my mp3 player and listen to it via their portable dvd player. Bad deal for me, because they saw the James Blunt song "You're Beautiful" and were all like, "that's such a nice song, let's listen to it." And they happened to find out, just as I did, that James Blunt has an unedited version of his song. Oops. So guess who got in trouble? Me. Sweet deal.

And mostly this upset me because I didn't know it had a swear in it. Not until I put it on mp3 did I discover it. And I was planning to take it off, but we were at the cabin, and it's not like they have computers out there.

So I apologized, but I haven't gotten any response back. None of the adults even bothered to talk to me yesterday so I'm assuming they don't really plan on forgiving me. And that's retarded, because I told them the truth and didn't tell them how much it bothered me that they just took my stuff.

So here's the question for today: why do people have to be so stupid and wreck music and movies with their stupid profanity???

Time for a New Post

2006-08-22T23:03:00.000-06:00

Hi...I'm in Regina right now. Hanging out with my cousins...and eating brownies...and playing settlers. Yeah, it's fun...and it's nice to get away because everything is so hectic at home. Mostly because Mandy (my cousin, she's 10) is potentially living with us for a while. Actually, she's been around since the end of June because her parents are not really parents. Which is probably the saddest thing for a kid. I couldn't imagine it.

And my mom is being super annoying right now. Not joking, it's the worst ever. I love her, but man...it's driving me nuts, and right now I am so glad that I don't have to be at home. She just wants me to be like her...and I'm not. I am not anything like her. I sometimes truly believe that I don't have an ounce of her blood in me. She wants me to "do things for other people"?!!? Since when is going to camp or youth something you do for other people??? Someone answer that for me, cuz it should be for YOU and for more importantly GOD. But no, I'm supposed to do it for other people. I'm supposed to call my "friends" because it will be good for them?!!? Ugh, it's annoying. But like I said, I still love her...it's just right now my respect for her is limited. She has been anything but deserving of my respect. She didn't even say goodbye to me, and I'm gone for a week! That kind of irked me. She just said "Carry your bags inside" and then she left.

I want to go back to school. I want to see people. I want to see my "friends". Because I haven't really had many friends this summer. Or this year. I'm trying to fix it...I just don't know how. So if you're my friend, call me up when I get home.

Caroline

2006-08-13T23:40:00.000-06:00

Where do I begin?
There’s so much I want to say to make it easier
Tomorrow’s on it’s way
Do you believe I want to take your painful memories?
I know you want to run away
I know that you can’t see tomorrow

Chorus:
Caroline, let me wipe away your tears and give you life,
Make you feel beautiful again
Caroline, don’t throw it all away
I’m here tonight to take away your pain.

Yesterday is gone and everything that made you cry has fallen to the ground
I’m here to bring you home,
I will always take you back
You haven’t let me down
I know you want to run away
I know that you can’t see tomorrow

(Chorus)

And when you’re feeling al alone and you can’t go on,
Remember I am here
And when you think you’ve gone too far,
I‘ll meet you where you are
My arms are open wide

I love this song! (It's by Seventh Day Slumber, by the way). If a guy ever wrote me a song like this, I would love him forever. Who wouldn't?

Getting Over the Past Part II: Falling Out of Love

2006-07-18T15:15:00.000-06:00

coming to terms with myself
no more regrets
100% assurance
of faith, of salvation
I won't be left behind
by you or Him
He loves me
and you don't
i see that now
i am beautiful
and He loves me
you can't take it away
and i know that it will stay
if i fall out of love with you.

.

I'm happy...

Getting Over the Past Part I: Falling in Love

2006-07-18T14:49:00.000-06:00

Mark 13:13 says, "All people will hate you because you follow me, but those people who keep theri faith until the end will be saved."

"If you love Jesus, you're going to face rejection and hostility sometime in your life. The world just doesn't get Jesus. It can't grasp or appreciate his high authority and value. Jesus said the world just can't accept God's Spirit of truth--it can't understand him (John 14:17). As a person who loves Jesus, you are going to face challenges, but you can stand firm. There are going to be tough times--when you're worn out and it's not easy to keep believing, serving, and being committed to him--but you can stay steady because you have Christ in your heart. He said, 'I told you these things so that you can have peace in me. In this world you will have trouble, but be brave! I have defeated the world!" (John 16:33). You can count on bad things happening just the way God says they will in his Word, but his kingdom will never end. He'll reign forever, and you're going to be a part of it. Stay in the Word every day so God can keep fueling you with his perspective and power to persevere."

What I'm learning: don't dwell on the past. If I let the past decide who I am today...well then I wouldn't be a very good person. This is about giving up grudges, excuses, failures, everything...God's taking care of that. I am living my life for him without looking back. I am learning to accept myslef the way that I am...and I am realizing that I don't want to change at all. Just wanna be me.

I'm Back (Finally)

2006-07-08T23:31:00.000-06:00

I've been feeling like such an outcast lately.

A fat, ugly, depressed outcast?

Yes. It has been bothering me, thank you.

Am I this lame that I would have a conversation with myself?

Yes. Haha. Where are your friends when you need them?

I don't know. Out, being consumed by things. Boyfriends, money, materialism.

So...what have you been doing?

Choosing life for real. Living for God. Being consumed by Him and nothing else. How about you?

Mmm...pretty much the same. It's a beautiful life, isn't it?

Sure thing.

It can get pretty lonely out here, can't it?

Yeah...but I like it. Room to breathe, time to adjust to the light.

But don't you still wish you had a really good friend around?

I do. He's right here.

But don't you want someone to share in those experiences He gives you?

Yeah, of course I do. I pray for that person every day. But I haven't found them yet.

So...what do you want to do? It's like 11:35. You're leaving early in the morning.

So are you. Want to have some father daughter time?

I'd love to.

Redberry Experience

2006-06-07T20:18:00.000-06:00

Wow...what to say??? Redberry was amazing. And that's just put lightly. It felt like God was right there with us, touching people's hearts. You can find God anywhere, all you have to do is search for him. We did, and he was definitely there with us. Awesome, God!

Our campfire was a major highlight for me (I think it was for most people!) We just opened up our hearts and shared about what was going on in our lives. Obstacles, goals, achievements, whatever: it was definitely all said. And most people cried! Including me! (and apparently, I am a basket case). Fellowship. Excellent.

The "Encouragement Stick". O man, I cried during this one too. What Michelle and Brittany, and even Mr. Weber said to me really really touched me. I don't even know why he would choose to talk to me out of everyone there, but I really liked what he had to say. Apparently, I'm like Joseph. I was reading that story over today and I'm at the point where I understand what he was getting at...it's really cool.

Here's another thing I will remember forever too: Colin just running up to me crying and hugging me. So we just kind of stood there and cried and hugged and talked. I totally felt God there too...it was selfless and just out of brotherly love. So there we were, just standing there together, crying and praying for Erin. It was amazing, because I never would have thought that Colin would have cried like that. Same goes for Ryan and Dylan. It feels like something is really going to change between some of us. We just have to be open to it.

Praying for Erin was amazing too...God was just totally leading me, and I felt really ready and prepared to do that--just put my hand on her shoulder and pray out loud for her. And Amy and Dylan...man, my heart goes out to them tonight. I know exactly how they feel. I've been there myself.

So now I guess I'm praying harder than ever that our class can completely break down those walls that cliques have built. Walls of indifference and apathy and self-centeredness. But like I said, everybody has to be into it. I know we can do it, we just have to work together. Team building!

I wish I had the time and strength to write on here about all the reasons I cried at Redberry, and why I'm crying right now. But I am just not ready to. Just have to keep fighting for now. Anyway, peace out. Have a nice evening.

♥Erika

Zero

2006-06-04T20:40:00.000-06:00

Your Life dreams are shattered,
Now you're gone away.
We've cried here for hours,
And the hours turn to days.
We know you regret this,
Leaving us here,
With portraits and memories
That we've held so dear.

When I hear your name, it's not the same.
No matter what they say, I'm not okay.
And we started at zero, and went different ways.
Now we're all out here wasting away.
And if we started at zero, then how did things change?
It seems like just yesterday we were the same.

.

Why do people have to change? And why does it have to be so painful when they do? I don't have the time or strength to go into detail about this. But why? Why do people have to change? Why did I have to change?

.

Father, I love You. But why does this have to be so hard? Give me strength: to know I'll be okay, to know that I am strong, to know that You're looking out for me. Help me to remember what you promised me. Help me find some way out of this confusing mess. Just bring me some peace of mind, some clarity. I love You, and I know You love me.

I try Daddy, but it's hard.

It's hard to have to start at zero, over and over and over.

It's hard to be hated. Despised. Rejected.

It's hard to live and believe and breathe You 24/7.

It's so hard, but I'm trying. I really am.

Love You forever.

-Erika

Invisible Girl (Reply)

2006-05-02T19:42:00.000-06:00

Well, there is one person out there who this is for, and she knows who she is. 'Cuz really, it's just slightly obvious.

You said that you feel invisible at school, but when it comes to youth you fit in perfectly. For me, it's opposite. I feel totally invisible at our church sometimes, especially at youth. It's like I just don't fit in or something. Actually, sometimes I feel invisible at school too.

The only time I feel that I have a voice is when I'm focused on my music, using it to worship God. When I sing I feel free. It's the one time I am finally in control of anything that happens with me. I get to choose that high note to hit. I get to pick which chords to strum. I get to write the lyrics without anyone else deciding how the melody should go. The rest for me is a ride.

But no one has ever really heard me sing.

.

That's my problem.

.

So I guess until they do hear me sing, see me in my element, no one will ever really know me but God. And I will continue to be the invisible girl. Which, admittedly, is sometimes okay with me. But only sometimes.

I long to have a deep relationship with someone on this planet. I want to tell someone all my secrets, all my thoughts, where I'm at with God: everything! But I just can't. I'm misunderstood, misread, and sometimes misled. And even my pathetic cry for friendship can't break down the walls that cliques have built. Walls that have caused lost friendship and hurt.

COLOR ME LONELY

Color me lonely
A deep and dark blue
There's nothing to say now
There's nothing to do

There aren't any words
To tear down that wall
There aren't any arms
To prevent the fall

There's nothing to stop
The world spinning 'round
There's no one to pick
me up when I'm down

I wish you would look
Beyond the outside
Search for what breathes
The heart that's inside

Then maybe you'd see
What I'm all about
Maybe you'll be the one
To figure me out.

.

Am I going to be posting a best friend applicatin on here any time soon? Not very likely. I already have my Best Friend. But people were not made to be alone. So encourage me, pray for me, and maybe (just maybe) I'll be out this Friday night.

Peace out. Y

Catch Me When I Fall

2006-04-22T12:40:00.000-06:00

Here are my verses for today (from Psalm 55:16-22)

I call to God;
He will help me.

At dusk, dawn, and noon I sigh
deep sighs--he hears, he rescues.

My life is well and whole, secure
in the middle of danger
Even while thousands
are lined up against me.

God hears it all, and from his judge's bench
puts them in their place.
But, set in their ways, they won't change;
they pay him no mind.

And this, my best friend, betrayed his best friends;
his life betrayed his word.

All my life I've been charmed by his speech,
never dreaming he'd turn on me.
His words, which were music to my ears,
turned to daggers in my heart.

Pile your troubles on GOD's shoulders--
he'll carry your load, he'll help you out.
He'll never let good people
topple into ruin.

CATCH ME
Catch me, Lord
When I fall
Sometimes I don't see clearly
Sometimes I don't see at all
I need Your strong hand
to guide me through
I need Your loving heart
to show me what to do

To love others unconditionally
To accept them and to forgive
To release these heavy burdens
And to begin to really live

Catch me, Lord
When I fall
Let me hear Your sweet voice
When You call
"Do unto others as you would have done unto you"
"Sow mercy as you've been given mercy"
"Love them as I have loved you"

Catch me, Lord
Catch me when I fall
.elw.

CATCH ME WHEN I FALL (lyrics from Ashlee Simpson)
Is anybody out there?
Does anybody see
That when the lights are off something's killing me

I know it seems like people care
Cause they're always around me
But when the day is done and everybody runs

Who will be the one to save me from myself?
Who will be the one who's there
And not ashamed to see me crawl?
Who's gonna catch me when I fall?

When the show is over
And it's empty everywhere
It's hard to face going back alone

So I walk around the city
Anything, anything to clear my head
I've got nowhere to go nowhere but home

Who will be the one to save me from myself?
Who will be the one who's there
And not ashamed to see me crawl?
Who's gonna catch me when I fall?

It may seem I have everything
But everything means nothing
When the ride that you've been on
That you're coming off
Leaves you feeling lost

Is anybody out there?
Does anyobdy see?
That sometimes loneliness is just a part of me

Who will be the one to save me from myself?
Who will be the one who's there
And not ashamed to see me crawl?
Who's gonna catch me when I fall?
Who's gonna catch me when I fall?
Who's gonna catch me when I fall?
And not ashamed to see me crawl?

Who's gonna catch me when I fall?

AHHHHHH!!!! IT BURNS!!!!

2006-04-08T01:46:00.000-06:00

ERIKA: Double lollies: a seemingly innocent treat. Tangy on one half, tart on the other.
JENNA: What they really should be is devil on one half and hell on the other!
ERIKA: Or hell on a stick! BURN!!!
JENNA: Those horrid little suckers. they look so tasty but after you bite into them and demolish it all into you tumbler your gums feel as though they have been waxed off the inside of your mouth... tell me how they can be described as sweet and tangy?
ERIKA: Well, I was just gonna say that they burned my gums and hurt my teeth, but whatever you say...Funkmaster G! Maybe Mr. Weber wasn't trying to be nice to you because you lost...maybe he is really an evil doctor/dentist/oral hygienist who is trying to curse you by burning your gums off and making you fail his math class!
JENNA: DAAANG! this is what i have been trying to tell you guys all along that he is a horrid man who hates little children by the name of Jenna and loves to put them into his evil WEBER "kill her with his bad lessons in math and stupid jokes machine."
ERIKA: Hmm...possibly. Or maybe he's just a good guy with a bad/seriously messed up sense of humour. All I know, double lollies can kill. Just say no!

For the record, it's about two in the morning, and we've probably had all the sugar and salt for a week in this night. So please excuse the randomness of it all. And we don't really hate Mr. Weber. Even if he may be an evil doctor/dentist/oral hygienist. Seriously.

Random Definition of the Night/Early Morning
pim·ple--> (pmpl)n.
A small swelling of the skin, usually caused by acne; a papule or pustule.

Identity

2006-04-04T19:05:00.000-06:00

Today we were asked a question at school by our health teacher. He wanted to know why teenagers were so distant from their parents.

This got me thinking...

I mean, it's not like I'm that distant from my parents. We do talk, quite a bit actually, but I would never tell them everything about my life. I really respect people who do that, but I am just not able to.

Maybe this comes from the fact that my parents are always in my life. They're at my school, at my church, at my extracurricular events: they're everywhere! I don't want to become my parents. I respect them both, but I want to be my own person. Find my own identity.

Also (and I know this is a stupid lame excuse) THEY DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M GOING THROUGH!!! Cliche, right? But for me, I really feel like this is true. There are some areas in my life where my parents just can't relate. Like they don't understand what it's like to wake up and barely roll out of bed. Or to just collapse when you're walking. Or to fight off some of the things I'm fighting right now.

I guess where I'm going with this is that I want to break free of who everybody thinks I am and be who I really am. I love my dad so much, and I love basketball, but more than anything I don't want to be "Mr. Wall's Basketball Playing Daughter". That label drives me nuts. I want to play basketball, and I'm glad my dad is who he is, but I don't want people to know me as that. I want them to know me as Erika. That's it.

Out of Control

2006-03-20T21:21:00.000-06:00

My grandpa is in the hospital. He is having chest pains and he's waiting for tests to find out what's wrong. I'm pulling for him, 100%.

I would not be able to bear to lose him. Not now. I went to visit him today and I'm crying right now over the fact that my life would never be the same if he left. But just talking to him, I remembered of how great of a man he is. He was much more interested in what was going on in my life than all the terrible things he was going through. He's amazing.

Situations like this always remind me that I have little to no control over anything in this life. God is in control of it all. So whatever this is, I know it's going to be okay.

Sometimes it's okay to be out of control. With God at the wheel life is a lot more comforting, but he does take some unexpected turns sometimes.

OUT OF CONTROL

What I needed to hear wasn't coming in clear
and what I now know is only partial info
I speak over tempo to put words into motion
you can't stay stagnant with the future that's approching
So where do you stand?
It's either break or be broken.
Forget dry land I'd rather stand in the ocean
and let the waves of devotion roll over me
Irony, I had to suffocate before I could breathe
I'm in a head space I've never been before
ever since my feet hit the shore
I tell you boy it feels good so give me some more
it feels good

It's a bit passionate for your radio
but that's alright though it's good for your soul
and it feels good to be out of control
I said it feels good to be out of control

Now ain't that something adrenaline rushing
and I'm touching the heart of God and adjusting
rather nicely to the feeling that's inside of me alive in me
continually guiding me and surprising me
It's beyond my reach but it's in my grasp
I walk steadfast along a narrow path
Avoiding snares and traps and all else that seems to keep me
from who I need to be right now I'm thinking clearly
and I'm in a head space I've never been before
ever since my feet hit the shore I tell you ha,
it feels good so give me some more
it feels good...

Things I Knew (and things that I didn't)

2006-03-15T21:30:00.000-06:00

THINGS I KNEW (and things that I didn't)

Here it is,

lay it all on the line

Put it ALL DOWN...

...once again.

I thought that I KNEW YOU but I guess

I just didn't.

This is chapter one. It's a clean slate.

Everything here is new. And okay.

I knew your hand

I knew your smile

But I didn't know your heart.

So now's the time.

The time.

(tick, tock.)

For change. For chance.

For chapter two.

For me and you.

NEW CHAPTER.

The Heartbreak is Over

2006-03-02T08:03:00.000-06:00

Sunlight on my windowpane
Something new running through my veins
Every day is like a new beginning
It's something about the way I'm feeling
When you say you love me

Your words are ringing over and over
Changing everything I thought I knew
I know a love that's true
And it's all because of You
All because of You.

God: I feel Him everywhere and it's wonderful. I was in the dark for such a long time but I finally know who I am and even though I don't know where I am going in this life, I am enjoying the ride.

It should have been such a simple thing to grasp, growing up at church, but I always seem to forget: God loves me. No matter how many times I ignore him, disobey him, treat him like trash he always loves me. Which is incredible, because I've never met anyone in this world who is like that.

I used to be so sad all the time, even if I was always smiling. But all of that is gone now and I am so glad. Depressing poetry can be amazing and extremely touching but it was definitely time for me to outgrow it. I may not have everything figured out yet; there are a lot of things that I'm still unsure of. But all I know: the heartbreak is over.

ON THE RIDE

Life has moments hard to describe
Feeling great and feeling alive
Never coming down from this mountain we're on (mountain we're on)
Always knowing we're gonna be fine
Feeling great and feeling alive
Never coming down from this mountain we're on (mountain we're on)
The view is so clear
and it's crazy up here:
Life is amazing with You on the ride.

2 Days

2006-02-08T18:03:00.000-06:00

I BELIEVE

There's no turning back now;
I've travelled much too far.
This journey is exhausting and I'm weak from all the pain.
When fear is all you feel
In a life lived day to day
it seems okay to run.
But time alone has shown me
that I am really not
and that I am strong no matter what.
Only three days to go now
and as I strangle for my final breath of this life
I know I'll be made new.
And I believe.

Basically, this poem is about the struggles that come up in my Spiritual journey. It will always get hard but I know now that God's pulling for me every step of the way. And I love Him.

SECRET

In times like these
we must hold on.
Not to each other, but to that thread of hope
that is the difference between you and me.
And until that day
when you let that secret slide off your lips
things will be the same.
And that secret is the truth.

So, last night me and Graham hung out together and just talked. And we wrote a song! It's not completely done but it's actually pretty good for two crazy kids. I guess because my dad's gone right now we're really learning the true meaning of family, and that every person has to play a part in keeping it together.

Broken Love

2006-02-07T18:35:00.000-06:00

You held my empty hand
and I took hold of yours.
We should have seen that like two towers
we would be demolished.
Now these winds brush
across my wreckage area of a heart
and I know that you've changed me
and we'll never be the same.
When only hope remains
and hope's what makes you hurt
it seems easy to let go but better to hold on.
Manipulation was not the key here
but as the taste of your lips it sure was desireable,
wasn't it?
"I love you" were the words you whispered in my ear
and what left me standing here
holding the pieces of a broken love.

We'll Be Okay

2006-02-06T19:15:00.000-06:00

As we stand here
alone at last
my hand in yours,
our eyes lock beneath the pale moonlight.
Silence hangs above:
this is different than anything we've ever known before.
This crisp November air pulls us close.
As you hold me here
I fall into a dream,
but I will never close my eyes.
No, baby I'm not runing away from this moment.
I'm not going to
fall away from this beauty,
but I'm not going to fall into it either.
With my head stitched to your chest
I'm not ready to let go,
but this love is a gamble
and the odds aren't in our favour.
And for that I'm sorry.
And even though I cannot speak or change their minds
I know we'll be okay.
We'll be okay, baby;
we'll be okay.

Come Between Everything

2006-02-05T20:44:00.000-06:00

The ties that bind our hands are on our necks and we're strangling for our final breath.
We pass the torch along to our kids; we're burning their minds, but we can't touch their hearts.
Until our tears fall in love, I'll stitch my cheek to yours and we'll dance all night under the moonlight.
Like present-day towers, I'll crumble to a crashing defeat and in the blackout we'll fall into a dream.
Your love, what more could I sing of?
Your eyes, they were my first love.
We'll start right back again like a million times before, though we've fallen like leaves during autumn.
Our tears are mad in love and our cheeks are red and blush, but I don't want to go to sleep, so I'll just fall into a dream.
Come between everything;
Come between everything and blow me away.

Pages Yet to be Written

2006-01-23T18:27:00.000-06:00

Ha. So today I'm feeling like my life is in a rut and I'm not totally sure why. Just a feeling, I guess. It's like I'm standing still and the world keeps on spinning right in front of me. It's the kind of feeling of how you just want to crawl into a dark hole and die, so you can forever be separated from the world or something.

Yeah, so the dark hole, that's where I am.

Okay, nevermind that was a bit of a lie. That's where I'm feeling I am, but it's only because there's no one there with me right now. Actually, I'm kind of in the opposite situation. For the first time I am actually beginning to realize that God has so much more in store for my life than I ever thought possible. It's like I'm finally able to see things in a whole new light: God's light.

Everything has been changing so fast and I hate it. But now I know why it's happening, and it's really for my benefit. God's just trying to start a new chapter in my book, and I think He has His work cut out for Him: there are a lot of pages left to be written.

Read it sometime, it's a real page turner.

Pages Yet to be Written, lyrics from Slow Coming Day

Another page turns in my life as I'm left here
Contemplating how the sky can appear so clear
Then turn gray and as the rain falls down on my face.
And as the rain falls on my face,
A darkness lingers.
And haunting memories plague my mind.
Vivid pictures of all the past times
And all I left behind, I left behind.
I'm standing in a crowd, yet I am all alone.
Trying to figure out just what went wrong here
And as the rain falls down on my face.
And as the rain falls on my face, a darkness lingers.
And haunting memories plague my mind.
Vivid pictures of all the past times and all I left behind,
I left behind.

Just a Girl Loving God

2006-01-19T11:05:00.000-06:00

Labels: prep, goth, emo, hardcore, jock, brain, nerd, etc. This may be the one thing that really gets to me. I don't understand how some people can place others into neat little boxes. Everyone's different! What happens to those people who don't really fit into any one box at all? People are complex and incredible and deserve more than a one word label for people to tell who they are.

Basically, there are a lot of people gunning for me: all the time. My parents have really been helping me through it though. I don't understand why people find some deranged sort of satisfaction in watching me fail. But the point is that they do, and it really hurts. All I can really do right now is just pray and ignore it, but each time someone throws those stinging words out at me, it tears at something on the inside. It hurts even more that someone I thought really loved me seems to be turning into one of them.

Sometimes I just want to get away, but just stepping outside your front door people glare at you. It's weird walking down the street when every person you pass is someone who hates you. But even though most people seem to hate who I am, that doesn't mean I'm going to change myself to please them. I will continue to be all God really wants me to be: Erika; an artist, a student, a teacher, a sister, a daughter, a friend. Just a girl loving God.

Smoke and Mirrors

2006-01-17T20:08:00.000-06:00

Smoke and mirrors: it basically means to trick or deceive. I wrote this song about a month ago after a week full of hurt and a glimpse at something beautiful. It still needs some work, but I hope you like it!

Rainbows in December cast light
on everything we know.
The dark clouds rolling in are as green as trees
and all things are new and innocent.
This weekday revelation seems out of place
but it's another tick in the box, all the same:
and when everything around you is everything you hate
strength is your only weapon and even that won't hold out forever.

You see the thing that hurts the most
but still hold on the every hope
You think that it will come again,
but in your heart it's been the end.

But maybe not all is lost
and that is your fuel.
Holding on gets you by day to day
but it still takes its toll
There's no easy way out, it's always
lurking in the back of your mind.
So where to go from here?
There's nowhere now: leaving it all is the easiest option
It hurts to think about
Talking through smoke and mirrors, but it's still there
and it still hurts to hear
Baby, it still hurts to hear.

You see the thing that hurts the most
but still hold on to every hope;
You think that it will come again
but in your heart, it's been the end.

Falling down
but just inside
A steel facade
look in my eyes:
you'll see my heart
or its remains
That's what I want--
freedom from your pain

I see the thing that hurts the most
I still hold on the slightest hope
I wish that you would come again
But my heart knows it's been the end
It's been the end...