Tuesday, October 24, 2006
Studying Politics

What I'm finding out this year is that relationships in high school are pretty much pointless. It's like a pencil with erasers at both ends...why would you want it or even need it? You can not give but only take away. Seriously. They're just convenient. That's the only reason I have friends right now, it's because of convenient relationships. Otherwise I doubt most people would even want to be my friend. They'd be just like everyone else who just writes me off these days. Inconstant, judgmental people who treat me better when I do one thing even though my beliefs and life are exactly the same in all situations. These are the politics of my friendships. I always feel like the odd person out whether this be true or false in life. But it's how I feel and it sucks.

These are the politics of our conversation: an idle chit chat constantly buzzing around the halls. Pointless and meaningless talk. I need someone to share my passions with...I seem to have a lot of those. I want my life to have meaning and purpose and I can't seem to find it right now. I go to a Christian school. But I won't kid myself, it's no Christian school. It's just like anywhere else, or worse because people know better and don't care; they toss it out their window of apathy. Their hearts are hard and ugly and people probably won't like it that I say that, but it's too bad because I did. And honestly I just wish some of them weren't in my life right now. Aren't Christians supposed to be building each other up???? Then how come at this "Christian" school am I constantly feeling torn down and alone? Is this a reflection of me??? Is this the reaction for my actions?

Generally, I am a judger. This is not always bad...but I analyze everything to death and I have opinions on most things...and if I am close enough to you I will spit them in your face (uh, not literally)...but I know my family just hates me for this but I can't help that I just load it all on them because they don't understand that I have no one else to tell it to. And I want to tell it to someone but at the same time I don't, this is mostly a fear: a fear of being rejected or hurt or used or abused...because I do believe teenagers can truly be horrible, and in one of the worst ways to be so. Yet, I am one of these horrible people. I am a jerk and it is my own fault that I sit at home alone every night. I just want to find someone who understands it. What it's like to be me, what it's like to always have to be responsible and on time and perfect, and what it's like to not be able to be "who I'm supposed to be".

Mr. Nickel says that I'm definitely not a normal teenage girl. I'm just not sure whether that's a compliment or not...but after he told me that I took this quiz online that was supposed to be able to guess about how old you are...and I got mid-late 20s. Go figure, but whatever. A part of me really wants to just get on with life, go to university, get a job, etc. and just move on from these crappy teenage years...but another part of me actually wants to be just like everyone else...and just have fun. But I'm not everybody else and I never will be. And Mr. Nickel also told me not to rush my life away, and if things improve maybe I'll even take him up on that offer. But right now I can't see a lot of significance in being 15, and I'd really just like to get through these teen years as quickly and as pain-free as possible. Which is kind of contradictory, because all of this does not fit in the "pain-free" category. But whatever. I am just having a hard time with this whole friends issue right now, and I ask for your prayer and your forgiveness. But if you ever want to talk to me about it, please don't use your typical teenage gibberish.

I just want to add, this blog was not meant to hurt any of my "friends" (and I'm sorry I'm putting you in quotation marks, but that's just how it is right now). You guys are good people...I am just trying to figure out who is true and who is not. I don't think you're jerks. I don't consider you awful people. I'm just stating what I have found to be true about people I know. It's too bad that I have to actually write these things. But yeah, no offence to anyone, I am just venting here. These are the politics of my life.

Labels: Rant, School