Saturday, March 01, 2008
Reflections

Okay. Ever since I got back from Vancouver, life has been busy. My basketball team was in conference playoffs today, and we placed 2nd so we advance to regionals! This means I will have basketball every day next week...which is okay, because I love it.

Vancouver was amazing, but I can't help but feel a little disappointed. I saw change in some people, but I saw such doubt in others. It's very discouraging to me, because I'm trying my best to pour my heart into these people and there is no response to God, guidance, or wisdom. How can you go away on a mission's trip and say you didn't see God anywhere? This was a clear sign of people not close to God and not used to hearing the Holy Spirit.

The trip was a struggle for me, but not in the same sense as it was for others. Most students went in nervous to talk/deal with people on the streets...I normally don't have a problem stepping out of my comfort zone. It was hard because I went being "on" the mission's team, but not really a "part" of it. This trip was not for me: it was for me to benefit others, in my class and on the street and for the glory of God.

It was a very different than Mexico. In Mexico, we all had that desire for spiritual fellowship...we still do now that we're back at home...but in Vancouver, it seems like there aren't many that are on fire for God...there are some that don't even care. I desire spiritual connection with the people in my class; I want them to go deeper with God; I want them to understand what it's like to truly be part of Christ's body. I suppose for now it will just take a little more time, a little more prayer, and a lot more faith.

Although there is all this discouragement surrounding the trip, I have been given a lot of hope through my trip to Mexico. Experiencing the spiritual connection that we Mexico girls share gets me excited to take other people there. It reminds me that God always has bigger plans, so I don't need to worry. I just need to listen.

Labels: Rant, Spiritual Life

Thursday, April 12, 2007
Lioness

So, this is Spring Break? I can't believe it snowed again, but I guess that's what you're in for when you live in Saskatchewan! At least it seems to be warming up now. So, it's been a little while again (where does the time go?) and I've got a bunch of ranting to do!

If two people are "in love", why do they have to continually progress farther sexually? I know it can feel different when you're in "the heat of the moment"...but can't we (especially as girls) have enough courage to stand up for our purity?

I know that one day I want to be able to give my whole self to my husband; to say to him, "I saved myself for you." This is proving to be more and more difficult, it seems, for anyone in such a sex-crazed culture. It is extremely easy to get sucked into a deeply physical relationship. I say this because I know some people who are there right now.

Personally, I don't think I want to go past holding hands, light kissing, etc. in any relationship I'm in. I don't think I would feel good about making out with someone I knew I wouldn't spend my life with. So if I get into that, I give everyone reading this permission to slap me across the face.

Temptation plays a big role in sexual purity...and it can be hard to overcome. But look into the Bible and you'll see that Jesus overcame temptation by praying and with scripture in Matthew 4. Later in Matthew 26:41, he tells the disciples to "Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation; the spirit is willing, but the body is weak." Isn't that true? I know what I want to do, and I'm always trying hard to do good...but I'm so weak! I give in so easily sometimes.

I really like this verse in 1 Corinthians 10:13:

No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.

Isn't that amazing! I don't know about you, but that gives me so much hope! While I'm on this topic, I thought I'd throw in some lyrics from Dead Poetic. Enjoy!

She's a god in her own right
She dims the room light
As she moves closer
We all move slower.

Tracing white lines
Sipping fine wines
We remember when purity wasn't dead.

In this darkness I can't remember when
We were stable, we were able!

The sex is the lioness,
"Queen of the Temple"
I look right in her eyes
Then down to her level.

She'll play unstable and let you get away
You get her faded but not her name.
You've taken something sacred and made it a game
Your perversions are wicked and fanning the flame.

The sex is the liar.
The sex is the LIAR.

He takes over my scars and I put my life in His.

Labels: Lyrics, Rant, Spiritual Life

Thursday, November 30, 2006
Maturity

Here's one of the many things running around in my mind right now: is immaturity (or maturity, on the flip side) a choice, or is it somehow involuntary?

Once again, this is relevant to guys in my class. But it goes for some of the girls too. (This includes me, for the record).

People keep saying, "Oh, they'll grow up eventually" but when is that? Maybe they have already passed the stage of maturity and are still (for some reason) choosing to remain immature and make themselves look foolish...because "it's more fun this way. You can't have as much fun when you're mature." (This is an actual quote from someone.)

It amazes me that 15 and 16 year old young men (ahem...I suppose I should use the term "boys") can be so childish. Mentally, I believe they really are 15 and 16 year old young men...somewhere. But on the outside, they may as well be six.

And while I'm talking about them acting like they're six I am generalizing and stereotyping and perhaps even prejudging them. Do I really know them? When I speak with some of them one on one I can see that there is a lot more to them than meets the eye. But how foolish of me, how childish of me to do this! How can I expect them to be mature and pull it together if I can't even do so?

Last Sunday Josh (Neudorf) spoke at church for a while, and he blew me away. He spoke with such clarity and maturity. I could identify with most of what he said, because I had been there as well. He reminded me a lot of myself. And he reminded me to remain passionate and on fire for God (which is what I am trying to do).

But why is this so hard? I want God as #1 in my life and I'm having such a hard time keeping him there right now. It is definitely taking more effort than before...but I need that. If it wasn't hard, I don't think there could be an award as amazing as there is.

Some other stuff is really bothering me right now too...with some certain people I guess. I don't want to see them take the wrong path...and it scares me because just last night I think I caught a glimpse of what could happen to them somehow.

But I don't know. I'm just going on about nothing. Because I have everything in the world to say, but I can't get it onto paper. Can't put it into words. Which is strange, because this is usually so natural for me. Right now, the muse is gone, and I just can't write.

Labels: Rant

Saturday, November 18, 2006
Big Pet Peeve!

People who tell you what they're giving you for Christmas! It's so annoying! I want to be surprised...but nooooooooooo...

My mom always does this. She gets so excited with presents. When she was a kid she always peeked at her presents and tried on clothes her mom bought her before she was supposed to receive them. I do not do this. I think it's so stupid. I want to actually be surprised when someone gives me a gift (whether it's good or bad).

Today when my mom and I were shopping there was this jean jacket and she's like "do you like this shorter style of jacket?" and I was like, "No, not really." And then at home, I go and give her my laundry and she just can't help but say it: "I bought you a jean jacket for Christmas and I don't know if you'll like it! Should I return it?" And I just went: "Mo-om! Stop ruining surprises!"

It's so annoying she did this at my birthday too. I knew every single thing I was getting. I told her it was pointless to wrap it because it wasn't a surprise anyway.

Labels: Erika's Life Updates, Rant

Thursday, November 02, 2006
Don't Judge a Book by its Cover

Before I start writing this, I would just like to say that this blog is so annoying. Why will it not let me post titles??? Everyone else's works...oh well.

Just when you think you have something figured out doesn't it seem that all of a sudden something radical happens?? And maybe this isn't all that "radical"....but if you knew this person...it seems pretty big.

Jonney...he annoys me so much. Because, according to Relient K, he is what we call an "Ape". He calls girls "woman" and it seems that all he likes is video games and souped up cars. And paintballing. He is that guy who makes fun of you for (gasp) actually reading the reading assignment and (gasp) actually studying for a test. He is that guy who groans when he finds out he accidentally worked ahead in math.

He is that guy who smashed your $120 calculator!!!! (Not on purpose...but things like this happen to him often because he has that "I don't care" attitude).

I was disappointed, but not mad at him....but still, he should stop being so careless, he is just making a mess of himself and his life.

But then this "Ape" writes you a really nice apology letter. Totally unexpected and out of the blue. Matt Thiessen and the guys in Relient K really are geniuses. I mean really. They predicted this: within every ape, there is a Mr. Wonderful...sometimes you just have to dig a little deeper to find it. Why couldn't he always be nice like that? Why can't he treat everyone like he treats Erin?? What exactly is holding him back? What would he lose: his reputation as "the guy who doesn't care"??? And why would you want that anyway???

I don't think he does want that...I think he's hiding...

Hmm...what a strange young man.

Labels: Rant

Wednesday, November 01, 2006
Sophomore Slump or Comeback of the Year?

Today Mr. Nickel pointed out something to our class that we all kind of secretly realized: the fact that in general the girls are at a high/positive level for the most part and the boys are at a low/negative level for the most part. Our class is like the great divide when it comes to girls and guys...girls on one side of the room, guys on the other. And no, it is not because we are all grade 3ish and still think there are cooties, it's because we're not on the same level.

And when we do all decide to hang out...that's all we do, hang out. Intelligent conversations going on=0. Instead of the girls pulling up the guys and motivating them we sink down to their level. And why should we?

It's like us girls are standing on top of a table and trying to pull the guys up on top. But they're so much stronger for some reason and it is so much easier for them to pull us down.

So here it is: our second year in high school...do we make it a sophomore slump...or have that comeback of the year as "the golden class"? I guess it's up to us. All I know is that I'm tired of bringing myself down to that level and making myself look so foolish. And I'm tired of everyone else looking so foolish too. There is no need for that.

Are we going up or just going down?
It's just a matter of time until we're all found out
Take our tears, put them on ice
'Cause I swear I'd burn this city down to show you the light...

Labels: Lyrics, Rant, School

Thursday, October 26, 2006
Mood Rings

According to Relient K, girls should wear mood rings so that guys can figure out what they're thinking. (We all know the girls that I am talking about, they are time bombs and they are ticking, and the only question's when they'll blow up...they're those girls [yeah you know those girls] who let their emotions get the best of them...)

But according to me, guys need mood rings too. Especially some in particular (*cough cough* if you go to my school, you should know what I mean). So in Relient K's song "Mood Rings" I changed the word "girl" to "guy" and "hair" to "car" and stuff like that. Don't ask why, I'm bored:

We all know the guys that I am talking about
Well they are time bombs and they are ticking
And the only question's when they'll blow up
And they'll blow up, we know that without a doubt
Cause they're those guys, yeah you know those guys who let their emotions get the best of them.
And I've contrived some sort of a plan to help my fellow woman:

Let's get emotional guys to all wear mood rings
So we'll be tipped off to when they're ticked off
Cuz we'll know just what they're thinking

He's a good person but he doesn't always act that way
His mood's out swinging on the swingset almost everyday
He said to me that he's "so happy it's depressing"
And all I said was, "Someone, get that guy a mood ring!"

If it's drama you want, then look no further
He's like the real world meets Boy Meets World meets Days of Our Lives
And it just kills me how he gets away with murder
He'll anger you then hold you tight, hold you tight with all his might

He's a nice person but he doesn't always act that way
His mood's out swinging on the swingset almost everyday
He said to me that he's "so stressed out it's soothing"
And all I said was, "Someone, get that guy a mood ring!"

Cause when it's black means watch your back because you're probably
The last person in the world right now he wants to see
And when it's blue it means that you should call him up immediately
and ask him out because he'll most likely agree
And when it's green it simply means that he is really stressed
And when it's clear it means he's completely emotionless
And that's alright, I must confess...

We all know the guys that I am talking about
He liked you Wednesday but now it's Friday
and he has to wash his car
And it just figures that we'll never figure them out
First he's Jekyll and then he's Hyde...
at least he makes a lovely pair.

Mood ring, oh mood ring
Oh tell me, will you bring
the key to unlock this mystery
Of guys and their emotions
Play it back in slow motion
So I may understand the complex infrastructure known as the male mind...

Labels: Lyrics, Rant

Tuesday, October 24, 2006
Studying Politics

What I'm finding out this year is that relationships in high school are pretty much pointless. It's like a pencil with erasers at both ends...why would you want it or even need it? You can not give but only take away. Seriously. They're just convenient. That's the only reason I have friends right now, it's because of convenient relationships. Otherwise I doubt most people would even want to be my friend. They'd be just like everyone else who just writes me off these days. Inconstant, judgmental people who treat me better when I do one thing even though my beliefs and life are exactly the same in all situations. These are the politics of my friendships. I always feel like the odd person out whether this be true or false in life. But it's how I feel and it sucks.

These are the politics of our conversation: an idle chit chat constantly buzzing around the halls. Pointless and meaningless talk. I need someone to share my passions with...I seem to have a lot of those. I want my life to have meaning and purpose and I can't seem to find it right now. I go to a Christian school. But I won't kid myself, it's no Christian school. It's just like anywhere else, or worse because people know better and don't care; they toss it out their window of apathy. Their hearts are hard and ugly and people probably won't like it that I say that, but it's too bad because I did. And honestly I just wish some of them weren't in my life right now. Aren't Christians supposed to be building each other up???? Then how come at this "Christian" school am I constantly feeling torn down and alone? Is this a reflection of me??? Is this the reaction for my actions?

Generally, I am a judger. This is not always bad...but I analyze everything to death and I have opinions on most things...and if I am close enough to you I will spit them in your face (uh, not literally)...but I know my family just hates me for this but I can't help that I just load it all on them because they don't understand that I have no one else to tell it to. And I want to tell it to someone but at the same time I don't, this is mostly a fear: a fear of being rejected or hurt or used or abused...because I do believe teenagers can truly be horrible, and in one of the worst ways to be so. Yet, I am one of these horrible people. I am a jerk and it is my own fault that I sit at home alone every night. I just want to find someone who understands it. What it's like to be me, what it's like to always have to be responsible and on time and perfect, and what it's like to not be able to be "who I'm supposed to be".

Mr. Nickel says that I'm definitely not a normal teenage girl. I'm just not sure whether that's a compliment or not...but after he told me that I took this quiz online that was supposed to be able to guess about how old you are...and I got mid-late 20s. Go figure, but whatever. A part of me really wants to just get on with life, go to university, get a job, etc. and just move on from these crappy teenage years...but another part of me actually wants to be just like everyone else...and just have fun. But I'm not everybody else and I never will be. And Mr. Nickel also told me not to rush my life away, and if things improve maybe I'll even take him up on that offer. But right now I can't see a lot of significance in being 15, and I'd really just like to get through these teen years as quickly and as pain-free as possible. Which is kind of contradictory, because all of this does not fit in the "pain-free" category. But whatever. I am just having a hard time with this whole friends issue right now, and I ask for your prayer and your forgiveness. But if you ever want to talk to me about it, please don't use your typical teenage gibberish.

I just want to add, this blog was not meant to hurt any of my "friends" (and I'm sorry I'm putting you in quotation marks, but that's just how it is right now). You guys are good people...I am just trying to figure out who is true and who is not. I don't think you're jerks. I don't consider you awful people. I'm just stating what I have found to be true about people I know. It's too bad that I have to actually write these things. But yeah, no offence to anyone, I am just venting here. These are the politics of my life.

Labels: Rant, School

Tuesday, May 02, 2006
Invisible Girl (Reply)

Well, there is one person out there who this is for, and she knows who she is. 'Cuz really, it's just slightly obvious.

You said that you feel invisible at school, but when it comes to youth you fit in perfectly. For me, it's opposite. I feel totally invisible at our church sometimes, especially at youth. It's like I just don't fit in or something. Actually, sometimes I feel invisible at school too.

The only time I feel that I have a voice is when I'm focused on my music, using it to worship God. When I sing I feel free. It's the one time I am finally in control of anything that happens with me. I get to choose that high note to hit. I get to pick which chords to strum. I get to write the lyrics without anyone else deciding how the melody should go. The rest for me is a ride.

But no one has ever really heard me sing.

.

That's my problem.

.

So I guess until they do hear me sing, see me in my element, no one will ever really know me but God. And I will continue to be the invisible girl. Which, admittedly, is sometimes okay with me. But only sometimes.

I long to have a deep relationship with someone on this planet. I want to tell someone all my secrets, all my thoughts, where I'm at with God: everything! But I just can't. I'm misunderstood, misread, and sometimes misled. And even my pathetic cry for friendship can't break down the walls that cliques have built. Walls that have caused lost friendship and hurt.

COLOR ME LONELY

Color me lonely
A deep and dark blue
There's nothing to say now
There's nothing to do

There aren't any words
To tear down that wall
There aren't any arms
To prevent the fall

There's nothing to stop
The world spinning 'round
There's no one to pick
me up when I'm down

I wish you would look
Beyond the outside
Search for what breathes
The heart that's inside

Then maybe you'd see
What I'm all about
Maybe you'll be the one
To figure me out.

.

Am I going to be posting a best friend applicatin on here any time soon? Not very likely. I already have my Best Friend. But people were not made to be alone. So encourage me, pray for me, and maybe (just maybe) I'll be out this Friday night.

Peace out. Y

Labels: Poetry, Rant

Tuesday, April 04, 2006
Identity

Today we were asked a question at school by our health teacher. He wanted to know why teenagers were so distant from their parents.

This got me thinking...

I mean, it's not like I'm that distant from my parents. We do talk, quite a bit actually, but I would never tell them everything about my life. I really respect people who do that, but I am just not able to.

Maybe this comes from the fact that my parents are always in my life. They're at my school, at my church, at my extracurricular events: they're everywhere! I don't want to become my parents. I respect them both, but I want to be my own person. Find my own identity.

Also (and I know this is a stupid lame excuse) THEY DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M GOING THROUGH!!! Cliche, right? But for me, I really feel like this is true. There are some areas in my life where my parents just can't relate. Like they don't understand what it's like to wake up and barely roll out of bed. Or to just collapse when you're walking. Or to fight off some of the things I'm fighting right now.

I guess where I'm going with this is that I want to break free of who everybody thinks I am and be who I really am. I love my dad so much, and I love basketball, but more than anything I don't want to be "Mr. Wall's Basketball Playing Daughter". That label drives me nuts. I want to play basketball, and I'm glad my dad is who he is, but I don't want people to know me as that. I want them to know me as Erika. That's it.

Labels: Just a Thought, Rant

Thursday, January 19, 2006
Just a Girl Loving God

Labels: prep, goth, emo, hardcore, jock, brain, nerd, etc. This may be the one thing that really gets to me. I don't understand how some people can place others into neat little boxes. Everyone's different! What happens to those people who don't really fit into any one box at all? People are complex and incredible and deserve more than a one word label for people to tell who they are.

Basically, there are a lot of people gunning for me: all the time. My parents have really been helping me through it though. I don't understand why people find some deranged sort of satisfaction in watching me fail. But the point is that they do, and it really hurts. All I can really do right now is just pray and ignore it, but each time someone throws those stinging words out at me, it tears at something on the inside. It hurts even more that someone I thought really loved me seems to be turning into one of them.

Sometimes I just want to get away, but just stepping outside your front door people glare at you. It's weird walking down the street when every person you pass is someone who hates you. But even though most people seem to hate who I am, that doesn't mean I'm going to change myself to please them. I will continue to be all God really wants me to be: Erika; an artist, a student, a teacher, a sister, a daughter, a friend. Just a girl loving God.

Labels: Erika's Life Updates, Rant