Monday, January 23, 2006
Pages Yet to be Written

Ha. So today I'm feeling like my life is in a rut and I'm not totally sure why. Just a feeling, I guess. It's like I'm standing still and the world keeps on spinning right in front of me. It's the kind of feeling of how you just want to crawl into a dark hole and die, so you can forever be separated from the world or something.

Yeah, so the dark hole, that's where I am.

Okay, nevermind that was a bit of a lie. That's where I'm feeling I am, but it's only because there's no one there with me right now. Actually, I'm kind of in the opposite situation. For the first time I am actually beginning to realize that God has so much more in store for my life than I ever thought possible. It's like I'm finally able to see things in a whole new light: God's light.

Everything has been changing so fast and I hate it. But now I know why it's happening, and it's really for my benefit. God's just trying to start a new chapter in my book, and I think He has His work cut out for Him: there are a lot of pages left to be written.

Read it sometime, it's a real page turner.

Pages Yet to be Written, lyrics from Slow Coming Day

Another page turns in my life as I'm left here
Contemplating how the sky can appear so clear
Then turn gray and as the rain falls down on my face.
And as the rain falls on my face,
A darkness lingers.
And haunting memories plague my mind.
Vivid pictures of all the past times
And all I left behind, I left behind.
I'm standing in a crowd, yet I am all alone.
Trying to figure out just what went wrong here
And as the rain falls down on my face.
And as the rain falls on my face, a darkness lingers.
And haunting memories plague my mind.
Vivid pictures of all the past times and all I left behind,
I left behind.

Labels: Erika's Life Updates, Lyrics

Thursday, January 19, 2006
Just a Girl Loving God

Labels: prep, goth, emo, hardcore, jock, brain, nerd, etc. This may be the one thing that really gets to me. I don't understand how some people can place others into neat little boxes. Everyone's different! What happens to those people who don't really fit into any one box at all? People are complex and incredible and deserve more than a one word label for people to tell who they are.

Basically, there are a lot of people gunning for me: all the time. My parents have really been helping me through it though. I don't understand why people find some deranged sort of satisfaction in watching me fail. But the point is that they do, and it really hurts. All I can really do right now is just pray and ignore it, but each time someone throws those stinging words out at me, it tears at something on the inside. It hurts even more that someone I thought really loved me seems to be turning into one of them.

Sometimes I just want to get away, but just stepping outside your front door people glare at you. It's weird walking down the street when every person you pass is someone who hates you. But even though most people seem to hate who I am, that doesn't mean I'm going to change myself to please them. I will continue to be all God really wants me to be: Erika; an artist, a student, a teacher, a sister, a daughter, a friend. Just a girl loving God.

Labels: Erika's Life Updates, Rant

Tuesday, January 17, 2006
Smoke and Mirrors

Smoke and mirrors: it basically means to trick or deceive. I wrote this song about a month ago after a week full of hurt and a glimpse at something beautiful. It still needs some work, but I hope you like it!

Rainbows in December cast light
on everything we know.
The dark clouds rolling in are as green as trees
and all things are new and innocent.
This weekday revelation seems out of place
but it's another tick in the box, all the same:
and when everything around you is everything you hate
strength is your only weapon and even that won't hold out forever.

You see the thing that hurts the most
but still hold on the every hope
You think that it will come again,
but in your heart it's been the end.

But maybe not all is lost
and that is your fuel.
Holding on gets you by day to day
but it still takes its toll
There's no easy way out, it's always
lurking in the back of your mind.
So where to go from here?
There's nowhere now: leaving it all is the easiest option
It hurts to think about
Talking through smoke and mirrors, but it's still there
and it still hurts to hear
Baby, it still hurts to hear.

You see the thing that hurts the most
but still hold on to every hope;
You think that it will come again
but in your heart, it's been the end.

Falling down
but just inside
A steel facade
look in my eyes:
you'll see my heart
or its remains
That's what I want--
freedom from your pain

I see the thing that hurts the most
I still hold on the slightest hope
I wish that you would come again
But my heart knows it's been the end
It's been the end...

Labels: Poetry